


A Lifetime With You

by Jamie Ryan Rose (jayryro), MythicalOtter



Category: IT (1990), IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Breaking Up & Making Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No Fucking Child Eating Clown, Pet death warning for one chapter (it will be marked), this is really only rated explicit cause of certain scenes (but those can be skipped over)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-01-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:53:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 34,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22178107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jayryro/pseuds/Jamie%20Ryan%20Rose, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MythicalOtter/pseuds/MythicalOtter
Summary: Stanley Uris is five years old when he meets a wild boy with a recklessly loving heart, and there was no escaping his friendship. Years later, he can't say he ever regretted his best friend, nor the love of his life.
Relationships: Bill Denbrough/Audra Phillips, Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Patricia Blum Uris/Stanley Uris
Comments: 14
Kudos: 33





	1. Bestest Friends

**Author's Note:**

> This is an RP thread with my bf, Ethan, with me as Stan (and Richie and Patty) and him playing Bill (and Eddie and Audra). I hope you enjoy reading it as much as we are writing it!

_ September, 1981 _

Stan didn't have any friends, really. Not at his old house. It didn't make him sad though. Some kids cried when they were alone, but he didn't because he was a big boy. And he didn't need friends. They were loud and sometimes they were mean. Books weren't mean. Birds weren't mean. He didn't need friends because he had his picture books that he could almost read all by himself, and he had his bestest friend in the whole wide world. Dodi. Her name even meant "my friend", his dad told him! She was a pretty bird, and she was so small she could even fit in Stanley's little hands. She sang sometimes to him, whistling and chirping happily, and Stan would sing back to her happily. Sometimes he practiced his prayers by singing to her too! She would wiggle happily at his voice. 

So he didn't need friends. 

And he told his mom just as much as she took him next door to play with the new boy. 

"Stanley, it would be good for you to play with him, and maybe you'll like it. I don't want you to be as lonely as you were at the old house,  _ yikiri _ . It's a new place, new beginnings, alright? Just a couple hours, that's all I ask," she said on the Denbrough porch. 

"Yes, Mama," Stan muttered, holding onto her skirt as she knocked, hiding behind her leg as the door opened.

Bill was a friendly child, loud, adventurous, always moving and talking about what he learned. He was into dinosaurs and planets, as well as building forts so he could fight the evil dragon (his dad). He never had issues making friends, some kids thought he was too loud but he didn't care, he was having fun. 

So needless to say when his mom told him a kid his age was moving next door he was ecstatic. "I can show him my dino collection, and the stars I have, and OH!" He bounced up and down. "Do you think he likes comics?" 

Sharon smiled at him. "I don't know darling, you can ask when he comes over." Just then there was a knock at the door, causing Bill to go running, he wanted to meet his new friend!

However his mom stopped him and opened it. "Hello Andrea, this must be Stan, hi there." Bill was trying to peak around her, bouncing like mad.

"Say hello, Stanley," Andrea said softly, nudging Stan in front of her. He gave a small wave, but was quickly hiding his face in her skirt again. 

"He's a little shy, don't worry. He didn't really have any friends before we moved," she added softly.

Sharon smiled. "Little Bill is very friendly, I'm sure they'll be friends in no time, why don't you show him your room, Bill?" 

Bill bounced even harder. "Come on! I have dinosaurs!" He beckoned, wanting his new friend to play.

Stan didn't wanna. He looked up at his mom, eyes pleading. She nudged him with a little "Go on, I'll be in the living room with Miss Sharon." Reluctantly, he followed Bill, walking stiffly and awkwardly, fidgeting with his hands before tugging on his earlobe.

Sharon let them in. "Would you like some tea?" She asked, shooing off the boys.

Andrea happily sat down, knowing they’d be there for a long while, "Sure, thank you." 

Bill led Stan to his room excitedly, it had blue walls with posters everywhere, toys and models strung around, stars on the ceiling, and a box of comic books at the end of the bed. "What do you like?" He asked, showing his room off proudly.

There were so many... things. Cluttered... "Um..." Stan sorta tried to make himself small. He wish he had Dodi, but the little plush bluejay that was almost her size, sitting in his pocket, would have to do. He pulled it out, touching its wings. "Birds," he said quietly.

Bill ran over, looking at it. "Pretty! Birds are cool, did you know they used to be dinosaurs?" He asked, petting the bird plush. "What's its name?

Aaaaaahhh he's close and he's touching Stan's thing please do not. He pulled the bird closer to himself a little. "Kookie."

Bill smiled. "Cool!" He ran over and grabbed a stuffed triceratops. "This is Goldy! He's a triceratops!" He said, holding him out happily

"Oh." He just sorta looked at it. He guessed it was cute, but not as much as Kookie.

Bill was running around like a kid on crack, he liked people. "Do you like reading? I have so many comic books!"

Stan gave him a little nod. "I like reading about nature..."

Bill got excited. "I have a nature book! It's about volcanoes!" He couldn't actually read it yet, but the pictures were cool and his mom read it to him sometimes.

"I like trees. And birds, and animals. But birds are my favoritest." Stan kept pressing his fingers into Kookie's wing.

Bill didn't know much about birds but Stan seemed interested. "Birds are cool, tell me about them." He was earnest in the way only little kids with no social skills could be.

"Oh, um... They fly. And um, sing, and some birds like parrots and ravens can even talk like people if you teach them. I tried to teach my bird how to talk, but she can't. It's okay, she sings to me, and I sing to her, so we can still talk." Stan hardly looked at him as he talked quiet as a mouse.

Bill was amazed, birds were cool! "They can talk?! That's amazing! Our cat can't talk." He bounced on the tips of his toes. "You sing with it? Like what?"

"Um, sometimes I sing my prayers to her to practice my Hebrew, and sometimes I sing songs like, um, Michael Jackson and Abba," Stan admitted, turning away a little shyly.

Bill gasped. "I know those people!" He obviously meant their music. "But I don't know Hebrew..." He said. "What's that?'"

"It's, um, a Jewish language. From Israel, my dad is teaching me some."

"I-Israel?" The word rolled off of Bill's tongue a bit wrong but he tried. "That's cool, I only speak English."

"My dad says our ant cessors came from there, and it's really far away, but it's the Holy Land." Stan waited for the teasing to start. "Are you gonna make fun too?"

Bill was looking at Stan wide eyed, he loved learning and this was something new. "No, that's interesting! I don't know where my antcesors are from." Just wait until the genealogy obsession.

"There's lots of stories, people don't like Jews sometimes. They say we're bad, but I don't know why. Maybe  _ they  _ are bad, actually."

Bill shrugged. "You're cool to me, you're nice, that means you're good, right?" He smiled at Stan. "You don't tease me about Goldy or my dinosaur books."

"Why would I tease you?" Maybe friends weren't so bad... No, he wasn't his  _ friend _ , he was just... a boy he was talking to. They weren't even playing like the other kids did.

Bill shrugged. "I dunno some of the older boys do, they're jerks." He walked over to a bucket of legos. "Do you wanna build something?" He was a fidgety kid.

Stan followed after a moment's hesitation, sitting on his knees beside him with a small nod. Oh no, now they were gonna play, did that mean he had to be his best friend now? He didn't want a new best friend...

Bill was just an overly friendly person, but not too many kids hung out with him outside of school. "I'm gonna build a volcano, a rainbow volcano!" This meant he was going to attempt to build random legos in a cone.

"Hm..." Stan looked at the colors, grabbing a handful... and just putting them into little piles with their matching colors.

Bill watched, grabbing a few from their respective piles, it helped him focus and plan more. "You like piles, huh?"

Stan nodded. He pointed to the mismatched pile. "Too loud." He pointed to the growing separated piles. "Not loud. And it's like a puzzle."

Bill looked at them and nodded. "Puzzles are cool." He looked at his massive mess and deconstructed it, creating a pattern this time, maybe Stan would like it!

Stan was too caught up in his own to notice Bill's yet, making quick work. He was already halfway through the big pile.

Bill hummed as he worked, it was the Jurassic Park theme song, those were his favorite movies. The pattern was coming along great, it looked organized!

Stan looked at Bill for a moment. "What are you singing?"

Bill perked up. "Song from my favorite movies, Jurassic Park!" He sang a bit louder, on do's.

"Oh. I heard of that. Never seen them though, it looks scary..." Stan said quietly.

"The T rex is really scary." He leaned closer as if about to share a big secret. "I have to cover my eyes when it comes on sometimes."

"Ooo... It's so big, I don't like it..." Stan said. "Why do people like it if it's got a scary T-rex in it?"

Bill thought for a minute. "Cause the other ones are cool! Like the brack...brackiosars." He was bad with pronunciation.

"What's that?" Stan asked,  _ maybe _ a little curious now.

Bill got up, racing over to one of his picture books. He pulled it down, flipping through. "This one!" He pointed to the giant plant eater.

"Woah... they look like giraffe lizards..." Stan said, his eyes wide.

Bill nodded. "Giraffe lizards!" He really liked Stan, he was nice, and didn't expect him to be a certain way.

"I thought dinosaurs were scary... but he looks nice..." Stan said, looking a little confused.

Bill nodded. "He eats plants! Not animals, he's a nice dinosaur." He sat down next to Stan. "This one does too." He showed him an ankylosaur.

"Oh... They're, um... Vegatalians."

Bill nodded a bit wildly. "Yeah! Vegatalian." Stan was so smart. "They only hurt bad dinos who hurt them."

"Like bullies..." Stan said quietly, a little awed.

"Like bullies." Bill agreed, he knew some of them that could use an attack by an ankylosaur. "But not you, you're nice."

"I-I am?" Stan asked, fiddling with his thumbs.

Bill nodded. "Yeah! You talk about cool things, you don't get mad at me for talking too much, you haven't made me shut up."

"Everyone talks too much," Stan shrugged. "That's why I don't have friends. And sometimes they say they are your friend and then they are mean..." He looked down, picking Kookie up and petting it.

Bill just liked talking to people, it was his way of connecting. "I won't ever be mean, Stan, you're not mean," he announced.

Stan hesitated. Sometimes the other kids would say he's mean for not sharing his things, or for ignoring them, or for things he'd say. "But... but sometimes the kids in my class would say I'm mean..."

Bill shook his head. "You're not mean, at least not to me." He saw Stan holding Kookie so he grabbed Goldy, now they both had stuffed animals!

Stan even smiled shyly. "Why's he called Goldy?" he asked, pointing to the dino.

Bill held up the dinosaur proudly. "Because he's got brown eyes, and gold is pretty, so Goldy!"

"Oh... that's smart..." He looked down at Kookie. "I just thought Kookie was a funny word. It's like cookie but it's not, it means  _ crazy _ ."

Bill nodded as if he knew what was happening. "Kookie seems pretty calm to me, but it's a good name."

"He  _ looks _ calm, but he can beat up bullies. He goes  _ bow  _ and  _ whack _ ," Stan said, imitating hitting with him. "And scares all the mean kids away. I always have him by me, and Mama says he's a good luck charm!"

Bill's eyes widened. "Woah! Goldy can't do that, he just my friend." He hugged him tightly. "Kookie is so cool, like a superhero!"

Stan giggled softly, petting the little felt wings. "Mhm." Hm... "Do you have lots of friends? Loud kids usually have lots of friends."

Bill shrugged a bit. "I hang out with Mike, he's quiet like you, and Richie, he's even louder than me!" He said with a grin. "But that's it, no one likes to hang out after school."

"Woah....  _ two whole friends _ ..." That was so many!!! "I have my parkeet, but that's it..."

Bill frowned. "I thought we were friends, you're really nice, I wanna be your friend!" The concept of pushiness was lost on him.

Stan stopped for a moment. "You do?" He couldn't believe it, and any stubborn thought of not wanting friends had escaped his mind. Bill wanted to be his  _ friend _ ! "You'll be my friend??"

Bill nodded rapidly. "Yes! You're so cool, Stan, and you are fun to talk to and you play legos with me." He smiled brightly, bouncing forward. "You're my bestest friend!"

Stan's mouth dropped a little in shock.  _ Bestest _ ???!? "I've never had a bestest friend..."

"Well now you do!" Bill would try his best to be a good friend to Stan, he liked him a lot. "Does this mean you'll come over and play more?"

"Um.... okay. I'll ask my Mama if I can." Stan's eyes lit up. "Maybe you can come to my house and meet Dodi! She's my birdie, she's called a parkeet!"

Bill's eyes lit up. "I've never seen a bird real close, I wanna meet Dodi!" He said excitedly. "I hope I can go to your house."

"Maybe she'll let you hold her! She sometimes only lets me hold her, but maybe she'll like you too!" Stan said excitedly.

Bill was practically vibrating at this point. "You think so?! I hope so." He squeezed Goldy tightly.

"You gotta be gentle though, cause she's small and Mama said she can get hurt if you aren't gentle. And she doesn't like too loud sounds, they scare her," Stan continued in a slight ramble.

Bill nodded, face serious. "Quiet and gentle, like when I get to pet the bunnies at the pet shop." He said.

Stan nodded excitedly. "Yeah, just like that!" He smiled shyly, "Maybe I can show you my bird books, too." That was a Very Big Deal to him.

Bill was so excited, he had a bestest friend! "Bird books sound cool! I can learn about birds!" He liked learning even if he wasn't always the fastest at it.

Stan smiled, ducking his head a little. He went back to separating the legos into their colors.

Bill continued his pattern, making it neat, it looked cool, even cooler than his usual chaos.

Once the piles were complete, Stan started stacking them one row at a time in rainbow order. Just a simple, neat growing rectangle with rows of color in order. He glanced over at Bill's. "What are you making?"

It was a pyramid shaped blob, the work of a five year old. "A volcano! and it's got stripes!" He said happily, proud of his work.

"Woah.... That's so cool..." He could almost see it. Maybe imagination wasn't his forte.

Bill handed it to Stan. "For you!" He couldn't make much else, he was an early artist, but in time he would.

"Like... to keep?" Stan asked, blinking.

Bill nodded, he had lots of legos. "Yep! It's to com-com-show our friendness." He said, he tried to use bigger words than he knew how to pronounce.

Stan wasn't gonna cry. He wasn't- he wasn't cause Daddy said it was for girls, babies, and sissies, and he wasn't any of those. He blinked quietly for a moment to get rid of the wetness threatening to come. "I'll keep it forever, it can live by Dodi. I think she'll like it too."

Bill felt happy, Stan was so nice. "I hope she does." He didn't notice the tears but also didn't understand why one would hold them back.

Stan remembered his manners after a moment. "Thank you."

Bill smiled. "Of course! You're my friend!"

\--

It had been a few days since Stan and him had hung out at his house, finally they were able to work it out where Bill could go over to Stan's house. His mom walked him over, well more like she followed a running Bill to make sure he was safe. He was even a big boy and knocked on the door, eager to see his best friend.

Mr. Uris was the one who answered the door. "Hello, you must be the Denbrough boy from next door. Bill, was it?" he spoke in a well-mannered way, obviously where Stan got it.

Bill nodded, using his best manners. "Yes sir, is Stan home?" He asked, trying not to bounce too much.

Sharon stepped forward. "Thank you for agreeing to this."

"He is, I'll go get him. And really, it's no trouble." He walked inside, leaving the door open as he called Stan's name. "Stan _ le _ , your friend from next door is here!" 

Stan came racing down the stairs, just barely stopping himself before he ran directly into Bill, bouncing slightly on his toes. "Hi," he said a little shyly.

Sharon smiled at her son before going home to relax, it was nice to have Bill out of the house for a while.

Bill was his usual hyper mess. "Hi!" He greeted, trying to keep his voice down. He missed Stan, even though it had really only been a few days since they last played.

Stan smiled excitedly, "Come on, I can show you my birds!" He stopped though. "Oh, when you come in the house, you gotta kiss your fingers and touch the mezuzah, it's the rule." He demonstrated, kissing his own two fingers and touching a little wooden box hanging at a slight angle on the doorframe, just within their reach. There was another hanging up higher on the doorframe.

Bill looked at Stan wide eyed, that was interesting. "Okay." He followed suit, kissing his fingers and touching the box. "Like that?"

"Mhm! Now you can come in!" Stan took his hand, "Come on!" He led him up the stairs, going to the door at the end of the hall, and pushing it open. 

The little bedroom was much different than Bill's. It was neat and organized, the bird plushies lined up in rainbow order on top of the little bookshelf, where the books were also lined by color. The blanket on the bed was simply colored, but the sheets had little pastel birds on it. There weren't many toys, but there was a small stack of puzzles and puzzle games. And in the corner, a little wire birdcage where a pretty light blue bird with a white head and black spots on its wings was perched, chirping softly as they walked in. 

"See, this is Dodi!"

Bill gasped, Stan's room was so cool! It was really organized and pretty, he saw the cage and smiled. "Hi Dodi, I'm Bill!" He said, making sure to keep his voice quiet like Stan had said, he didn't want to upset the bird.

Dodi chirped at him. 

"I think she likes you!" Stan said, a little relieved. He'd been worrying all night if they'd get along. He went over to her cage and unlocked it, letting her flutter out, landing on his curls. He giggled, "She thinks my hair is a nest so she does that sometimes."

Bill practically bounced in excitement, Dodi liked him! "She's pretty, your hair is like a nest." Bill said with a small laugh, slowly walking over and patting Stan's hair, careful not to touch the bird.

Dodi leaned over, not exactly pecking Bill's hand, more just bumping her beak against it as if curious as she looked at him, chirping again. 

Stan giggled again. "Stick your finger out, maybe she'll climb on it."

Bill pulled his hand back a bit and stuck his finger out, trying not to shake from excitement.

Dodi considered Bill's finger for a long moment before slowly stepping onto it as if it were a perch, her feet wrapping around his little finger the best she could.

Bill almost cried he was so happy, he had a bird on his finger! "Can I pet her?" He whispered so he wouldn't disturb her.

"Mhm, you can move her around, just don't go too fast or she'll fly off," Stan said happily.

Bill slowly brought her closer to him, running a finger down her back carefully. "She's soft." He gasped, he loved birds now.

She chirped happily, wings fluttering in content. 

"Mhm! And watch!" Stan bent down a little to be face to face with the bird, saying her name to get her attention. He did a soft whistle, and she started whistling back, like they were having a conversation.

Bill was amazed. "You can talk to birds?" He asked, jaw practically on the floor. He'd never seen anyone talk to a bird like that.

Stan giggled, "No, I just pretend, silly. We're just singing little songs~"

Bill nodded, that made more sense. "Can you teach me how to whistle?"

"Mhm... Um... you do the thing with your lips, like you're gonna give someone a kiss, but a little hole there, and then you blow out!" Stan demonstrated.

Bill tried his best, getting his lips right and blew, but only air came out. "Aww I can't do it." He tried again and failed.

Stan tried a few times, doing different movements with his lips and tongue until he thought he figured out what was wrong. "Push your tongue forward a little? Like, um... the middle part."

Bill tried that and got a weak whistle, he bounced excitedly, trying not to disturb Dodi. "I did it!"

Stan clapped a little excitedly. "If you practice you can get better, and then you can sing to her too!"

Bill was excited about that, he liked Dodi. "She's really pretty, I like her."

"I do too. She's really nice, and she sings to me when I'm sad," Stan said, stroking her head gently with a finger.

"She's a good friend." Bill declared, petting her gently. "Thank you for being with my bestest friend." He said to Dodi.

Dodi chirped. 

Stan looked at Bill with big eyes. "What does a bestest friend have to do? What if I'm not good at it?" he asked, suddenly quite worried.

Bill thought. "Well, bestest friends play together, and don't bully each other, and get along!" He said. "You're nice and we play together!" He just knew that he really liked Stan and wanted him around.

"That's it..?" That seemed too easy, what if it was a trick?

Bill nodded. "Yep, and to like each other, I like you lots Stan!" He said with a carefree smile.

"Oh... I like you lots too," Stan said shyly. 

Maybe having a friend wasn't so bad after all...


	2. Beep Beep, Kookie

_August, 1987_

Stan was... well, the only word was scared really. Or nervous or terrified or fearful or panicked. He pinned the yamaka into his hair, making sure his shirt was straight and the collar was flat. He'd already checked that he had everything in his bookbag at least six times, but he checked a seventh for good measure. Everything was exactly how it was every other time. 

He finally made it to the front porch, fiddling with his bag straps as he went next door and knocked on the door. 

At least being at the same school meant that Bill would be with him on the bus- unless he had someone else he'd rather sit with, what if he left Stan alone to sit with one of his other friends and what if people made fun of his yamaka again and what if-

Bill had never been more excited to start a school year, Stan was going to be at school with him again! It had been strange being in a different school for a year, they hung out lots after school but still, he was excited! Plus now he had someone to sit with on the bus since Richie wasn't riding this year.

Bill answered the door, ready to go, smiling at Stan despite it being ungodly early. "H-h-hey there Stan the man." He said, ruffling his hair but being careful of the yamaka. "You ready for your first day of m-muh-muh-middle school?" He locked the door behind him, leading the way to the bus stop. "It's gonna be great! You'll love Richie and Mike, plus we m-m-met Eddie last year and he's fun, hope you don't m-m-m-mind cussing though, Richie's trashmouth has gotten worse." Bill rambled on as they walked.

Stan wrinkled his nose, fixing his hair back to how he had it as soon as Bill's hand had moved away. "Bill, I literally hung out with Richie last week. And Mike went to the park with me three weeks ago. And I met Eddie at the sleepover we had over the summer," Stan reminded him, rolling his eyes as he shook his head. He loved Bill, but god.

Bill blushed a bit. "Right, s-suh-sorry." He hated his stutter, he'd been working with a speech therapist but it wasn't going away. "They're different at sch-ch-school." He said. The bus pulled up and Bill walked on, staying near the front where it was quieter, for Stan's sake.

"How so?" Stan asked curiously, trying to pretend he wasn't suddenly riddled with anxiety, sort of hovering as though he wasn't sure if he should assume a seat next to Bill.

Bill took Stan's hand and had them sit together. "Well...m-m-more fighty? I gu-guh-guess." He smiled. "But they're still nice."

Stan absolutely did not blush at all. Nope. He put his backpack in his lap neatly. "To each other or just in general?" he asked with furrowed brow.

"In general." Bill said, shoving his bag on the ground between his feet. "Usually to B-Buh-Bowers." He said, fidgeting a bit, he was nervous about Bowers' gang messing with Stan but if he was with them, he should be fine right?

"Oh..." Right. He was gonna have to see the infamous Bowers gang for himself. From what they told him, they weren't exactly gonna like him very much...

Bill ruffled Stan's hair again. "It's okay, I'm not g-g-gonna let them mess with you." He said with an earnest smile. "We have your b-b-b-back."

"Stop that," Stan whined, pretending he didn't secretly sorta like it. But his hair was wild enough without Bill messing it up! And he wanted to make a nice impression! "And don't steal my spine."

Bill laughed, he loved when Stan joked. "F-f-fuh-fine, you can keep it." He teased back. "You need it to stand up f-f-for yourself."

"I might need more than my dumb old man spine." Stan said, looking at his hands. He giggled to himself, turning back to Bill and making grabby hands towards his chest. "Lend me your bones~"

Bill leaned back, a smile on his face. "No! I n-n-n-need mine!" He yelped, laughing loudly, enough to get a few glares.

Stan humphed... Then he unzipped his bag. "Kookie..." He reached in slowly. "Kookie..." He pulled out the little worn bluejay plush slowly and dramatically. "Lend me your bones..."

Bill burst out into fresh laughter. "Not even K-K-Kookie can make me g-g-guh-give them to you." He smiled at the little blue jay, he knew that Stan took it everywhere, thought it was cute, he would never make fun of him.

Stan squinted slightly, looking over Bill's face for a moment, slowly bringing the little bird to him. Kookie pecked his cheek.

Bill settled into giggles, petting the stuffed bird. "Hi there K-K-Kookie." He said, he was excited, having Stan with him was going to make school so much fun!

Stan poked Bill again with it. "Your bones."

"No." Bill said, pushing at the bird. "You can't have m-m-m-my bones."

"You have displeased Kookie. He will remember this, and one day, when your bones go missing, he will not return them." Stan almost looked like he wasn't joking. Like it was some prophecy. He giggled right after though.

Bill had gotten used to Stan's sense of humor, smiling at him fondly after. "I'm b-b-be careful around him then." He said, shaking his head a bit, Stan would fit right in.

Stan drew Kookie back, still smiling softly as he pet the little tuft of "feathers" on the top of his head, before safely tucking him back into his bag. He glanced back a little, looking around the bus for a moment. They were loud. Even louder than Bill and Richie together, and with more voices creating a clamor. "Is it always this loud?" Stan asked a little nervously. The school wasn't that far, but still, hearing this every morning sounded no good.

Bill couldn't lie. "Y-y-yeah, it is." He thought about maybe getting some ear plugs for Stan if it was too much.

Stan fidgeted with the strap of his bag and tugging his ear, looking a little anxious, but he didn't say anything.

Bill carefully placed a hand on Stan's arm. "I'm s-s-sure we can d-d-duh-do something." He tried to assure him.

"Yeah... I'll be okay." He glanced out the window, and oh no, he saw the school and his stomach churned- oh god what if he threw up from nerves on the first day of school. He never had before but what if he started???????

Bill got more excited, he couldn't wait to see his friends. "This is g-g-going to be fun." He said, seeing the nerves on Stan's face.

"I think we have differing definitions of fun..." He was holding his hands together tightly, watching as they got closer and closer and there were so many people there and WHAT IF HE LEFT HIS SCHEDULE AT HOME?! He quickly dug in his backpack. It was right there inside the front page of his planner like it had been the last seven times he checked.

Bill saw all the tell tale signs of Stan freaking out. "It's gonna be okay." He said quietly. "I'm not g-g-going to be in class with you, b-b-buh-but, we have lunch." He smiled at him.

Stan wished Bill could've been in his classes... even one.... He nodded a little bit, wishing his heart would calm down. If he stayed on the bus, would it take him back home? Was it too late to be homeschooled?

Bill took Stan's hand comfortingly. "I'll b-b-be there if you need me." He said. "I aide for an hour, s-s-so I can s-s-s-s-sn." He took a deep breath. "Get out."

Stan looked at him, sorta looking like a kicked puppy as Bill spoke. He slowly and softly nodded, his lips pressed in a thin line.

Bill held up his pinky. "We're b-b-bestest friends right? We can s-s-survive this together." He said.

Stan managed a soft smile as he hooked his pinky in Bill's. He was so grateful to have him. And why did that thought cause his heart to skip a beat even when it was pumping too fast? This is it. He's going into cardiovascular arrest.

The bus stopped as it pulled up to the school. "We can do it." He repeated as they joined the crowd of those getting off the bus. He saw Richie and Eddie already bickering by the doors.

Stan followed close behind him, holding his bag straps as he looked around. He gave a little wave to the other two as they approached.

Eddie and Richie seemed to be in some form a debate but when weren't they? "H-H-Hey guys." Bill greeted, making sure Stan was close, he didn't want him getting overwhelmed. 

"Oh Bill thank fuck, can you please explain to this dumbass that playing tuba doesn't make your dick bigger? It's scientifically impossible." Eddie ranted in lieu of a proper greeting.

"It so does, Eds is just a coward and doesn't wanna accept it." Richie grinned widely, adjusting his glasses as he looked at Stan. "Hey, look, you finally decided to catch up with the big boys! Don't worry, little baby Staniel, we'll teach you how to rule the school."

Stan smacked his hand away as he tried to ruffle his hair. "You couldn't rule a ruler." 

"Could so. Twelve inches like my dick."

Bill hit Richie on the back of the head. "Beep b-b-beep Richie." He said, glaring at him. It was always like this with him.

"Wow Rich, it's been two minutes around the kid and you already made a dick joke, way to be a bad influence." Eddie said.

"He's n-n-not a kid." Bill said defensively. "He's only a year y-y-younger."

"Are you kidding? He's practically a toddler!"

Stan had an apple in his bag that he was going to eat at lunch, but hey, sometimes compromises were made. He threw it at Richie's torso. 

"Ow! Dude, what the fuck??" Richie picked it up off the ground and looked at it for a second before biting into it. "Thanks, I didn't have breakfast. Next time, bring something good like a poptart, though." 

"I'll bring you a knuckle sandwich." 

"Cute."

Bill hit Richie again. "Knock it off, he's p-p-puh-practically our age." Bill argued, smiling as Stan fought back. "Shows you."

"Wow, get taken down by a child, you're really all bark and no bite, Rich. Also, do you know how many germs are on the ground? You could die from eating that, you could get salmonella or the bird flu." Eddie rambled.

"Please, Eds, I've eaten dirt and licked a public swingset, if I was gonna get Spocaloptatitus I would've gotten it already."

"That's disgusting," Stan said, wrinkling his nose. But even with Richie's antics, he realized that it had actually distracted him from the panic... so he wasn't gonna thank Richie out loud cause it would go right to his ego, but he did in his mind.

Eddie practically gagged. "You could die, you know AIDS is still a major concern right? Or like if you eat a poisonous bug by accident." 

Bill rolled his eyes as Eddie rambled on. "Still nervous?" he asked Stan.

"You don't get AIDS from eating something off the ground, dumbass. Plus, five second rule!" Richie countered.

Stan looked over at Bill, smiling a little. "A little, but not as much now." He looked down sheepishly. "Though, that'll probably change the second the bell rings and I'm in a classroom of strangers..." Okay, to be fair, he might sorta know a few people from elementary school, but he didn't really talk to anyone outside Bill and Richie and Eddie and Mike.

Bill bumped his shoulder. "J-J-Just survive until lunch 'kay?" He said with a smile. "By then, you w-w-wuh-won't even notice how long it's b-b-been."

"The five second rule is bullshit and you know it Richie, germs exist in the air we breathe, it takes like a second to get on the damn apple."

Bill sure was an optimist, huh? Stan almost believed him for a moment, smiling back at him a little shyly. 

"No it's not, the germs have to wait five seconds, it's a courtesy thing. Germs are all about that," Richie said with a grin, knowing it was riling Eddie up again.

Unfortunately the sweet moment was ruined as Eddie got almost louder if possible.

"Are you fucking dumb? Germs don't have a fucking brain you dumbass, they don't know what the hell a rule is, they're fucking killers." He yelled, trying to get the apple out of Richie's hand.

"Eddie, c-c-calm down, Richie's a cockroach, he c-c-c-can't die." Bill said.

"Yeah, Eds, that's why my name is _Roachard_! That and my massive co-"

"Beep beep, Richie," Stan said, deadpan as he rolled his eyes.

Bill snorted, looking at the clock. "We sh-sh-should get going, before B-B-Bowers finds us." He said, leading Stan inside, he knew Eddie and Richard would bicker and follow them.

Stan unconsciously held onto the back of Bill's shirt as they walked in. Oh he didn't like this. The hallways were small and people were everywhere. In elementary school, everyone walked around in lines and contained spaces, and this seemed like Lord of the Flies to him. 

"Ah, no, it's the first day of school, maybe he'll have had a change of heart and decide to not try to shove my head in a toilet this year!" Richie said as they followed.

Bill shook his head. "I d-d-doubt it Rich." He said, keeping Stan close, he didn't want him to get overwhelmed already. "Hey you okay?" He asked quietly.

"I still can't believe he did that, but it can't be worse than when he locked me in a locker and I had a fucking asthma attack." Eddie muttered.

"MMmmmmm..." was all that came out of Stan's mouth.

"Oh yeah, but what about the time he had his goons pants me in the middle of the hallway and then trip me, and then everyone laughed _and_ I broke my glasses? Ah, fun times, fun times."

This was not helping Stan's heart rate.

Bill stopped, letting Richie run into his back. "Beep beep Richie." He said, glaring at him, he didn't need him freaking Stan out.

Eddie fell silent. "Sorry Stan, it's not that bad really, and well, Bill fights back so that's something."

"Mm." Was Stan vibrating? Stan might be vibrating. 

Richie finally realized the panic Stan had, and quieted himself, adjusting his glasses. "Sorry, Stan..."

Bill took Stan's hand gently, trying to calm him. "B-b-breathe deep Stan, it's g-g-g-gonna be fine I w-w-wuh-won't let them hurt you." He promised.

Eddie took Richie's arm. "We have our first class together, catch up later okay?" He said, dragging him off.

Stan looked up at Bill, and it was that look of panic that was silently asking Bill to get him out of there as he set a white knuckle grip on Bill's hand.

Bill knew that look and dragged Stan to the art hallway, it was usually pretty empty and quiet. "Are you ok-k-kay?"

Stan was shaking so much he almost couldn't shake his head, shutting his eyes tight because he couldn't cry, he couldn't.

"Can I hug you?" Bill asked quietly, taking a step forward, he didn't want Stan to get too worked up.

Stan nodded after a moment.

Bill pulled Stan into a hug, they had a system to help Stan out, don't overload him, ask before touch, and just be there. "B-b-breathe with me."

Stan tried, but it was hard to try not to hold his breath, he didn't know why. He buried his face into Bill's shoulder. He smelled like trees... Like walking in the woods after it rained. It was familiar, something he knew and trusted. It reminded him of home more than his own house, of days spent in the summer sun, bike rides through the leaves in the fall, sharing traditions in the winter, walks in the park in the spring... It made him feel safe, warm. Slowly, his breathing got easier, while his hold on Bill was still tight, it wasn't as panicked.

Bill just stood there, holding Stan. He didn't care if this wasn't cool or if it wasn't manly, he was going to support his best friend. Hugging Stan just felt natural, like home, after all, Stan had been by his side for so long it was kinda like that. "You have K-K-Kookie, I'll b-b-be in the building." He assured him.

"Right... yeah..." Stan should let go of him... He didn't really want to, but slowly, he was able to let go. It was like trying to get out of bed early on a cold and rainy day.

Bill winced as the been rang. "Time to g-g-go to class, four hours until lunch." He gave Stan a fist bump. "I'll s-s-s-see you then."

He had the promise of seeing Bill in a few hours, rather than a full day. He could do it. He could do it. He managed a small smile as he bumped his fist gently against the older boy's. "See you then, Big Bill."

Bill adjusted his backpack and walked into the art room, waving at him. "I have free p-p-period next, if you n-n-n-need me I'll be here." He gestured towards the door before walking in.

Stan nodded smally, glancing one back once more at his bestest friend before he went to class.


	3. Attack of the Bowery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (slur warning)

_ September, 1987 _

It was not even a month into the school year. He'd gotten more used to the place, using the Walkman Bill had gotten him, listening to Bill's "bestest friend mixtape" to calm him down. At first, he hadn't even liked some of the songs on it that much, but they were some of Bill's favorites and not too loud, and so they sorta became his favorites too... 

He'd seen the "Bowers Gang" slinking around school, even sometimes seeing them staring at him, to which he always dropped his gaze down and walked faster. But he'd been relatively safe from them. Until today. 

He'd been holding Kookie, stimming as he walked, he was supposed to meet Bill at the bus ramp, and he had to hurry because he'd already stayed late to talk to a teacher about a project. 

It was raining. Well, sprinkling now, but it had rained hard earlier. It was disgusting on the ground. And Stan was dirty. He had to uncover his yamaka from the mud, barely able to see his hands through tears, and Kookie... You couldn't even see the blue of him, and mud was on his shoes, his hands, his pants, his shirt- it was on his face, smushed in his hair, and he couldn't stop crying. All wanted was to get it off, get it off get it off get it off- but all he could do was lay shaking on the soaked grass and wonder if it would be easier to dig down and bury himself. His best pants were ruined. Kookie was ruined, his dad would be furious about his yamaka, and these were his only school other than the ones he wore for temple. He just wanted to die.

Bill was getting antsy, Stan should have been at the ramp by now, it was wet and rainy, this wasn't good. He began to wander around, hiding when he saw the Bowers gang, that was never a good sign. He wandered the opposite way, gasping when he saw the muddy figure on the ground.

"St-Stan!" He called out, running over. "Ar-are you okay?" That was a dumb question but he was a little frantic. He tried to wipe the mud off of him so he could check for major wounds.

" _ Bill- _ " Stan whimpered, his voice breaking on the simple word, tears streaming down his cheeks in a way he never let them. It was all he could say, breaking down into more sobs, holding his bird and yamaka tight. His backpack had been thrown across the grass, his things scattered. And for someone who is always so meticulous about every little detail, this was earth shattering. His planner was open face down, nearly submerged in a puddle.

Bill didn't know what to remedy first, he decided to focus on Stan. He took off his hoodie, wiping as much mud off of him as possible and comforting him. "I'm r-r-right here Stan." He said, wiping his tears. "Wh-wh-who did this? B-B-Bowers?"

Stan shakily nodded, not knowing what to do with his hands. He wanted to hold onto Bill, but then he'd be getting him dirty too, and he'd rather step in front of a bus than do that.

Bill got up and reorganized Stan's backpack. "We're gonna m-m-miss the bus, c-c-can you m-m-m-move?" He asked, trying to be gentle with him. He didn't care about getting dirty, he was already holding Stan pretty close to himself.

Stan was stuck between freaking out and wanting to lay down and close his eyes and never wake up, so. Not really. He was holding his own arms tightly, his things in his lap because he couldn't stand to touch them anymore, and his nails were digging into his elbows hard enough to rip skin, and suddenly, his sobs were subsiding as he held his breath trying to stop them, his eyes shut tight.

Bill helped him to his feet, walking to the bus. They barely made it but they did. He made sure all of the dirty things were at his feet and away from Stan. "Y-Y-You can shower when y-y-you get home." He said, taking Stan's hands. "D-d-do you have the walkman?"

Stan nodded a little, still half holding his breath, trying to keep himself away from anyone who could see.

Bill dug around in Stan's bag, pulling it out. "Do you want some m-m-m-music?" He asked, keeping Stan hidden from people.

Another small nod.

Bill put the headphones on Stan's head and just wrapped an arm around him, holding him the whole ride home. He was going to beat the shit out of Henry Bowers the next time he saw him.

Stan tried to stay off of him so he wouldn't get him dirty, and by the time they were pulling up closer to their houses, he was able to speak quietly. "I-I don't wanna go home, if my dad see-if he sees me like this..."

Bill knew Stan's dad would freak. "You th-th-think you can stay at my place for a bit? I th-th-think you have s-s-s-s-some left over clothes." He said. "W-w-w-we can wash things too."

Stan nodded softly, knowing that he did not, but following him because he'd rather sit alone in the bathroom in a towel while his clothes washed than go home to get more.

Bill smiled at Stan. "We can w-w-work on homework together." He said, as the bus pulled up to their stop. He rushed him off quickly, taking him to his house. His mom was still out getting Georgie from elementary school, so they could get started on cleaning Stan up. "Y-y-you go take a shower." He said. "I'll f-f-find you clothes okay?"

Stan nodded softly, going to the bathroom and shutting the door. He couldn't even stand to look at the mirror, so he quickly started the shower, leaving his clothes on the outside of the door so Bill could take them, immediately trying to rinse it all off once he stepped in. 

He was in there a good half hour trying to get every single particle of dirt and mud out of his hair before finally being at least somewhat content enough to get out.

Bill took Stan's clothes, explaining what happened to his mom, also handing her Kookie and his yamaka, hoping they could be cleaned up. Sure enough, Stan didn't have clothes but Bill had some old sweatpants and a baseball tee so he left the clothes by the bathroom door. 

He spent the rest of the time sitting on his bed, half reading, half worrying about Stan.

Stan found the clothes Bill left, smiling softly as he pulled them on. They were a little big on him, but he found he didn't much mind that because they still smelled like Bill. When he looked at the mirror, he found he actually kinda rather liked the way they looked on him too... He shook his head, drying off his hair the best he could with the towel before hanging it up neatly, going back to Bill's bedroom, shutting the door behind him half out of habit.

Bill looked up, smiling at how cute Stan looked, huh that was interesting, he'd deal with that at a way later date. "Y-y-you feeling better?" He asked, setting his book to the side. "Mom is washing your c-c-clothes."

Stan nodded softly, coming to sit beside him, wanting to hug Bill again, but instead sitting too straight with his hands in his lap.

Bill looked at Stan, he was too stiff, it was strange. "Are y-y-you okay?" Bill asked. "C-c-c-can I get you anything?" He just wanted Stan to be comfortable.

"Water would be nice," he said softly, just sort of staring a hole into the floor. He knew Bill wouldn't but- "Don't tell anyone I cried."

Bill nodded, he could get him water. He sighed, he learned young that Stan avoided crying at all cost, Bill had gotten less teary as they grew up but no less emotional. "Y-y-you know I w-w-would never." He said.

"I know..." As Bill got up, Stan stole one of his pillows, hugging it tightly.

Bill went downstairs, getting a glass of water before going back up to Stan. "It's g-g-g-gonna be okay." He said, handing him the cup and shifting to sit closer.

Stan took the glass, taking a couple sips, still holding the pillow to his chest. After a moment, he gave in, leaning a little against Bill. He was always so warm, where Stan seemed to run cold.

Bill smiled, letting Stan just be close. "What d-d-d-did Bowers want?" He asked quietly.

"To call me a..." Stan looked at the water. "Flaming kike. And... they took Kookie cause I was holding him, threw him on the ground and stepped on him and one of them took my yamaka and did the same and threw my bag, my planner- and-" His voice was quickly rising in pitch, getting more frantic, "And-and pushed me into the mud."

Bill rubbed Stan's back, trying to keep him calm. "I-I'm g-g-g-g-gonna..." He had to take a deep breath, he was getting too wound up. "He s-s-s-sucks." He spat out, holding Stan close. "D-d-d-don't listen to him."

Haha, as if Stan hadn't already internalized that while he was sobbing alone on the ground. He took a deep breath and nodded for Bill's sake.

Bill wanted to help Stan, he could only do so much but, he wanted to protect him. "I'm s-s-s-sorry I wasn't there." He said, holding to Stan tightly. "I-I-I-I'll rip him to sh-sh-shreds."

He shook his head. "Don't, Bill, you'll only get yourself into trouble and I'm not worth that."

"Y--y-you're worth trouble Stan..." He said quietly. "I hate s-s-s-seeing you hurt."

"No, I'm not, he'd just hurt you too," Stan pointed out he thought very logically. His eyes darted between Bill's, biting his lip softly.

"W-w-wouldn't be the first time." Bill said with a smile. "I f-f-f-fight him a lot." He explained. "If he m-m-m-messes with any of you."

Stan whined softly, letting his lip go to pout up at him. "I don't want you to get hurt either, Billy..."  Maybe he knew that calling him that made his chances of getting something even more likely.

Bill couldn't resist that nickname. "F-f-f-fine, I won't f-f-fight him." He said, what he didn't say was that he wasn't going to hesitate if he tried it in front of him.

"Thank you." Stan sighed softly, leaning his back against Bill's chest. "What am I gonna tell my dad about my yamaka? And my shoes- they're my only pair I can wear to school-" He felt his heart drop. "My planner..." Oh, he could barely stand to think about it, if he saw it he might cry again.

Bill held him. "Yamakas c-c-can come clean r-r-right? Shoes t-t-t-too?" He was sure his mom could find a way. "For the p-p-pl-planner, I'm s-s-s-sure he'll understand."

"He won't care about the planner, but- I had everything- everything was all neat and organized and together and- and I- fuck- I don't know if he'll buy me another one-" Oh god, stop it. Stop it, you little pussy, don't cry again, he told himself.

Bill was going to be right there for whatever Stan needed. "Well, w-w-w-we can get you a n-n-new one." He looked at his piggybank, it was still recovering from the walkman but there would surely be enough for a planner in there.

"How? I don't have money for it," Stan pointed out.

"I d-d-d-do." He said, pointing to the piggy bank. "I helped M-M-Mrs. Tozier clean out th-th-the garage."

"Bill, no, I can't take your money, you earned it,  _ plus _ you already got me the Walkman," Stan said indignantly.

Bill shrugged. "I d-d-don't really  _ need _ anything." He pointed out. "B-b-but you l-l-like to be organized, let m-m-me buy it."

Well, it was a like to be organized, but that was almost offensively an understatement. He absolutely needed to or he'd lose his entire mind. He bit his lip, unsure...

"Please Stan, I know h-h-how much you n-n-need to be organized." Bill argued. "It's g-g-going to drive you nuts if you aren't."

"Fine..." He could hopefully at least copy everything from the ruined one. As if he didn't know the schedule by heart to the minute and could recite at least the last two weeks of homework assignments.

Bill hugged him tightly. "Thank you." He said, he just wanted Stan to be happy and able to function. "I w-w-want to help."

Stan sighed softly, and he couldn't stop himself from hugging back, burying his face into Bill's neck and staying there. He was warm... God, his eyes burned from crying. So he closed them. Bill was doing that thing with his thumb on his back he liked.... His breathing grew lighter after a few moments.

Bill just held him, noticing when his breathing calmed. "You b-b-buh-better not be f-f-falling asleep on me." He joked, keeping his voice soft.

"Hm? 'm na..." Stan mumbled. Boy was emotionally exhausted, he was already all but passed out on Bill because Bill was safe, Bill was home.

Bill laughed softly. "Here." He laid Stan down, sitting next to him, holding his hand. This was normal for them, it didn't ever occur to him that he never did this with anyone else, it was Stan after all, his best friend.

Stan curled up against him..... pillow soft... He was out.

Bill smiled down at him, picking up his book, he would be there when he woke up.


	4. Bye-Bye, Birdie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: pet death

_ October, 1990  _

He'd been worried for the last couple of weeks. Dodi had started acting weird, and Stan was all too aware that she was near the end of her lifespan. He didn't want to say goodbye to his first friend, the one that even if it was stupid, he could share anything with, even things he didn't tell Bill. After all, while there was a lot that he told Bill, there was also a growing list of things he couldn't tell Bill. His crush on him that he'd been harboring since the 6th grade, for starters. But also about his declining mental health, how bad the fights with his dad had gotten, how he sometimes in his worst states would see pills or a razor and... just think for a moment. Not acting. Never reaching for it. He'd think that no one would sing to Dodi anymore, and Bill might be sad. He hated seeing him cry. 

And she was dying. And the vet simply said that all he could do was ease her passing. 

He woke up to hear her singing. She never sang anymore. He... he knew this was it, somehow. He didn't bother trying to get ready for school. He wasn't going. 

He went to her cage, gently picking her up, smiling tearily at her as she whistled their song. On The Wings of a Nightingale. A breath that was choked came out as he held her as she whistled the tune weakly, stroking her stomach softly with his finger. "It sounds beautiful," he said softly, a tear rolling down his cheek.

Bill was once again worried, Stan liked being on time and was never late to the bus, that was Bill's thing. However when it was five minutes past their meeting time he gave in and went to Stan's house. 

He knocked a couple of times, frowning when there was no answer, there's no way he had already left, his parents couldn't take him to school. He turned the knob, unlocked, he was home. He entered cautiously. "St-St-Stan?" He called out, shutting the door behind him. 

He wandered upstairs, calling Stan's name until he opened the door and saw him by Dodi's cage. "Stan?" He said quietly.

Stan didn't look up, not wanting Bill to see him cry. "I-" he cleared his throat quickly because his voice broke- "I'm not going today." He sounded choked. Dodi chirped weakly in greeting to Bill.

Bill hear the voice crack and the weak chirping...this wasn't good. "Okay...i-i-i-is there anything I can d-d-do?" He asked, walking over to Stan and placing a hand on his shoulder.

Stan shook his head. "Today's the day, I know it," he whimpered, sucking in a breath.

Bill knelt down next to Stan. "Sh-sh-she lived a good life Stan." He said, keeping his voice low. "I'm here." He just wouldn't go in today, his parents would have to deal.

"I-I don't wanna say goodbye-" Stan's voice went out as a sob choked out of his throat, his hand trembling as he stroked her feathers. She moved, bringing her head closer to his hand so that she could bump it. Like she was comforting him. Stan lost it, the tears streaming down his face as his shoulder shook with sobs, holding her as close as he could without hurting her.

Bill wrapped his arms around Stan's shoulders, tears slipping from his eyes, he loved Dodi, and he couldn't handle Stan sobbing. "I kn-kn-know Stan." He said, voice low. "B-b-b-but she'll be happier, sh-sh-she loves you."

Stan leaned against Bill, trying to catch his breath, to stop sobbing, he didn't want to make Dodi sad. "W-we should..." he couldn't get it out for a moment, and he took a shaky breath. "We should play her favorite songs. And... make-make her cozy."

Bill nodded. "Sh-sh-she'd like that." He said, stepping away to find the record and record player.

Stan swallowed, reaching into her cage to get her favorite toy, a little wooden stick she loved to chew on. He grabbed the little blanket he used to cover her cage so she could sleep, wrapping it loosely around her as he took her to sit on the edge of the bed. She held her little stick in her foot, waving it a little towards Stan. "I know," he whispered as he gently grasped the other end so Dodi could try to tug it, "I love playing with you too."

Bill turned on the music quietly, sitting by Stan's side as he comforted her. "You're v-v-very brave D-D-Dodi." He murmured. "You too St-St-Stan."

Stan leaned against Bill's shoulder, watching her play the best she could. "You know, Jews have this belief that souls live on through memory and the impact on others' lives. I guess... She's not really gonna be gone, cause I'll remember her," he murmured.

Bill smiled, that was so sweet. "Sh-sh-she's gonna live on through you, I w-w-w-won't forget her either."

"But still, I won't have anyone to sing with when I'm sad..." he murmured, blinking away tears again. "And I told her everything, even things I can't tell you. I don't know what I'm gonna do, I- I've literally never lived without her..."

Bill held Stan, not knowing how to comfort him, he'd never dealt with something like this before. "I'm s-s-s-so sorry Stan." He said. "I c-c-can't imagine wh-w-wuh-what you're going through." He didn't even stop to wonder what Stan couldn't tell him.

"Same thing I'd feel if I lost you," Stan said softly. He wasn't gonna try and say the other way around because maybe Bill wouldn't be this upset about him.

That's when it clicked for Bill...he wouldn't know what to do with himself if he ever lost Stan. "Oh...so l-l-l-like if I lost you." He mumbled, rubbing Stan's back. Maybe not in the same way, he had come to realize that he felt more for Stan than just friendship, he was pretty sure he was falling in love.

Stan's heart took a moment to skip a beat at that. "I guess. But Dodi is more special, ya know?" he mumbled.

Bill didn't know how to take that so he just let it go. "D-D-Dodi had b-b-b-been good for you." He said, Stan always had her by his side. "W-w-we can give her a f-f-f-funeral."

Stan nodded, "Under the tree in the backyard. I think she'd like that..." 

She'd stopped trying to tug, having exhausted her little energy. She still held the stick though.

Bill's heart fell when she just laid there. "Under the tr-tr-tree, perfect." He murmured, comforting Stan. "Sh-sh-she'll love it."

Stan nodded, a lump in his throat as he watched her carefully. He pressed his fingers against her chest softly, his heart breaking. "Dodi... I love you. Thank you for being my best friend, and for everything you've done for me," he whispered softly to her, leaning closer to her. "I won't ever forget you, I promise..." 

She reached her head up slightly to press against Stan's forehead, softly whistling something. It was the opener to Never Tear Us Apart, one of the songs Stan loved playing in his free time. 

_ Don't ask me _

_ What you know is true _

_ Don't have to tell you _

_ I love your precious heart _

She sank back down slowly, and Stan almost couldn't see her eyes closing through his tears. She was still.

Bill watched, tears falling freely as he watched the scene, it broke his heart to see Stan like this. He rubbed Stan's back and just held him, not trusting his voice to not give out on him. He thought back to all the times spent in Stan's room, hanging out while Dodi sang in her cage, her nestled in Stan's hair as they watched movies, bouncing around on Bill's shoulder as he drew, all the times spent together.

She was gone. She was gone. Her last song to Stan had been to tell him that she loved him. 

It was a while before Stan could finally sit back up, pressing his forehead against Bill's shoulder. He knew they should bury her, but he was fairly sure that if he tried to get up right now, he'd just end up in a collapsed heap on the carpet.

Bill held Stan, crying along with him. He'd help him bury Dodi later, when they both calmed down more. He hummed the song that was playing, trying to soothe him.

A half hour of off and on crying and sitting in near silence, and Stan finally was able to speak. "We should..." No, he couldn't say it. "She's getting cold..."

Bill had calmed to just sniffling at that point, nodding. "Let's k-k-keep her with her b-b-b-blanket." He suggested. He pulled away to rub away Stan's tears.

Stan sniffed, nodding. He wrapped her a little tighter in it, making sure her stick was safely tucked with her. Maybe if she ended up in some Heaven, she'd get to have her favorite toy.

Bill found a small box. "D-d-d-do you wanna decorate it?" He asked, showing it to Stan. He figured Dodi deserved a pretty box.

"I'm no good at that, you know that... I have colored pens, though, if you wanna draw something on it," Stan offered quietly.

Bill nodded, taking the pens and beginning to draw an intricate star of David, surrounded by music notes. Across the top 'Dodi' was written in a calligraphic font. "W-w-what do you think?"

Stan could kiss him. He really could. He managed to keep himself together though. "It's beautiful," he said softly, looking over it and taking a deep breath so he didn't cry again. "I know she'd love it. I do..."

Bill would do whatever he could for Stan, anything he wanted or asked for, he'd been like that for so long. "I'm g-g-g-glad." He said, picking up Dodi and setting her in the box. "I d-d-d-don't know anything about J-J-Jewish funerals."

"If I'm honest, neither do I. I think I've only been to one, but I was only like four, so I don't really remember it," Stan admitted with a small shrug. "I know that they can't be cremated or embalmed, but that wasn't a worry here anyways. I think she'd understand if we didn't do a whole bunch of traditions anyways."

Bill had to agree, she would probably want something simple. "D-d-do you wanna go bury her?" He asked, being careful of his tone.

Stan looked at the box for a long moment before nodding softly, holding onto Bill's shirt sleeve.

Bill carefully picked up the box, carrying it to the backyard. He had grabbed a spoon to dig with, putting her near the fence. "W-w-w-would you like to do it?"

Even through all this, Stan laughed softly at Bill's spoon. "Bill, we have a shovel," he said, maybe a little too fondly because of his weakened state.

Bill blushed. "I kn-kn-knew that." No he didn't. "Wh-wh-where is it?"

"In the garage, should be against the wall with the rakes." Stan looked up at Bill, "Do you mind getting it while I sit with her another minute?"

Bill nodded, hugging Stan one last time before leaving him behind to go get the shovel. He waited a couple minutes before rejoining him.

Stan sat with the box in his lap, murmuring soft prayers for her. He hoped that she got to fly freely in Heaven, that she got all the treats she wanted and could sing to her heart's content for all eternity. Maybe when his own time came, he'd see her again. 

He looked up at Bill as he came back, his eyes finally dry, but tired and sad.

Bill handed Stan the shovel. "Y-y-y-you should be the one to b-b-b-break ground." He said.

Stan nodded, gently setting the box down and standing up, analyzing the ground for the perfect spot. Right between two roots that grew out of the ground, a spot that often got nice shade. He struck the shovel down, starting to dig.

Bill held Dodi and watched, a tear falling down his face, his heart hurt for Stan. "W-w-w-we'll miss you Dodi." He whispered.

Soon, using his pain to spur him on, he had a suitable hole dug for her, and for once, he didn't care all that he was a little dirty and kinda sweaty.

Bill handed him the box, Stan needed the closure more than anyone right now. "Y-y-y-you'll see her again." He wasn't very religious himself but he knew Stan was very religious.

Stan took a deep breath, nodding softly as he set her inside, whispering another soft I love you before he began covering it again. 

Once the grave was filled, and a little stone placed there to mark it, Stan wrapped his arms around Bill, hugging him tightly and burying his face into his shoulder.

Bill just held him, looking at the grave, time would heal this wound and Bill was going to be with him every step of the way. "It's g-g-going to be okay." He said, not sure how right he was this time.

With Bill, it might. But it was going to hurt for a while. But for now, he just held Bill and let himself be held, feeling safe and comforted in Bill's embrace.


	5. Home Run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >:)c

_November, 1990_

Stan had found something. It was unexpected, he thought he'd hate it, and he'd only tried out because his dad wanted him to do something 'manly'. But then it turned out he was actually really good at it, earning a spot on the Derry High baseball team. And honestly, it had really helped with coping after Dodi's loss, and kept him from feeling like a burden on Bill like he had the first couple weeks after. 

It was their first game of the season, and it was the last inning, and they were currently tied with the other team. And it was all up to Stan as the last batter. 

He glanced over where he knew Bill and the others were sitting as he walked up to the home base. He could do this. Bill was watching, and he wanted to maybe impress him. 

He watched the pitcher wind up, his bat at the ready, watching the pitch, carefully timing it-

_CRACK_

The ball went soaring in an arc through the air, landing in the outfield. But Stan didn't stop to watch, he ran. First. Second. Third- oh my god- _He'd hit a home run_. The two players that had been on third and first had all passed through too, but even if they hadn't, it was a win. Suddenly, the crowd was going crazy, his teammates were lifting him up on their shoulders, and for a moment, Stan was just stunned, laughing in disbelief, holding on tight as they carried him, parading him around.

Bill was on the edge of his seat, he was surprised when Stan mentioned baseball, it was a lot of sliding around in dirt and grass, but he seemed to love it. Bill was proudly in the stands, cheering on mainly Stan the entire game, he knew he was going to be doing this a lot, he wouldn't miss a game if he could help it. 

The final inning, Bill was on the edge of his seat, it was tied and they were at two outs, if Stan missed it would go into over time. He watched him swing and jumped up, screaming with the rest of the losers as it went out of the park, Stan just won them the start of the season. "THAT'S MY FRIEND!" He screamed to anyone that would listen, he was so proud of him.

Stan thought he could hear Bill screaming, looking over in their direction, seeing them all standing and cheering. Richie was standing up on the bleacher doing some sort of cat call. Stan laughed, and finally they set him down so they could shake hands with the other team. 

Stan was the first one off the field, obviously making a beeline straight for Bill, all but colliding with him.

Bill was vibrating with excitement, Stan had looked so beautiful out on the field, focused, happy, it made him feel warm, the pants also did wonders for his ass. He ran up to Stan, not full controlling his movements and his thoughts, allowing them to collide in a chaotic mix that ended up with his lips pressed to Stan's without thinking.

Stan's eyes went wide, and it was much too quick, but good god they could not do this here and now in front of everyone. "Jeez, Bill, watch out," he played off, but the look in his eyes said that he didn't mean that.

Bill blushed. "Sh-sh-sh-shit." He mumbled, pulling away. "D-d-d-duh-don't run at m-m-m-me full s-s-s-s-s-s-s-speed then." His stutter always got worse when he was flustered. He really hoped no one noticed, he also hoped he wasn't misreading the look in Stan's eyes. "That w-w-was quite the hit."

(Richie was holding his hand out to Eddie, who now owed him five bucks because he'd bet that Bill would make the first move doing something stupid.) 

Stan smiled, biting his lip, looking down shyly, his head still reeling because _Bill_ just **_kissed_ ** him. 

"Hey, Stan, we're gonna go get burgers to celebrate, you in?" one of his teammates asked, apparently not many people actually noticed the actual kiss. 

Stan hesitated... He wasn't always that good in social things, and god knows he couldn't leave Bill after that.

Bill was trying to calm down, not noticing how Eddie was bickering with Richie, all he saw was Stan, who he just kissed. He looked up at the new voice. "Y-y-y-you should go, celebrate." He nudged him, he didn't know why, he really just wanted to drag Stan out f there to talk...and maybe kiss more, but Stan needed to socialize with the team.

Stan looked over his face a moment before looking at his teammate, "Can I bring my friend?"

"Sure thing, dude, you just won us the game, you can do whatever you want! Josh has a couple open seats in his car if you need a ride." 

Stan grinned, turning back to Bill, "Come on, and um... maybe- maybe we can talk after..."

Bill looked at Stan wide eyed, honestly really happy that Stan invited him along. He nodded. "I think w-w-w-we should, let's go c-c-catch that ride." He said, taking Stan's hand, that was just a habit they never grew out of.

-

The celebration wasn't that bad, actually, even though it was mostly talking with Bill about little things or listening to the others talk about crazy shit and gossip and girls they'd done stuff with. Stan almost laughed when someone asked him if he had. He simply shook his head, and they assured that he'd get there one day. Hey, maybe more of a chance after tonight.... Hey, maybe they were right... 

They'd left after an hour, walking home under streetlamp lit empty roads. Stan was quiet, not knowing how to start the conversation and hoping that Bill would.

Bill hadn't minded going out with the team, he avoided most of the conversations, snorting at Stan's answer to the question of experience, hopefully there would be things for them to explore.

He had barely let go of Stan's hand the whole time, even as they walked down the road. The silence was a mix of tense and comfortable, they mastered not having to talk but what needed to be said hung heavy in the air between them. "I'm s-s-s-sorry about after the g-g-game." He said quietly, it was a start.

Stan bit his lip a moment, glancing up at him a quick moment before looking back down. "I, um... I didn't mind it. Just, ya know, with everyone there..."

Bill blushed, was Stan serious? "Yeah...I sh-sh-shouldn't have." He said, gripping Stan's hand a bit tighter. "D-d-d-did you seriously n-n-not mind it?"

Stan hesitated a moment, before stopping, just under a streetlight, looking up at Bill. "Did you mean it? Or was it just... I don't know, the moment- the excitement or whatever?"

Bill looked down at Stan, did he mean it? He'd felt his heart skipping around Stan for a while, adored his brown eyes, loved how his curls bounced as he walked, his gentle, kind demeanor, he'd meant it more than he ever dared to admit to himself. "Yes." He said quietly. "I d-d-did."

Well, with his heart skipping like this, what else could Stan do? He reached up, gently cupping Bill's jaw as he kissed him softly, lingering for a moment before drawing back slightly.

Bill's eyes closed the minute Stan's lips touched his, it was a much softer kiss than their first, Bill was already becoming addicted. "Y-y-you too?" He breathed out, looking at Stan with love.

"Since sixth grade," Stan admitted in a small tone, the slightest shy smile on his lips.

Bill smiled. "Eighth." He said, placing a hand on Stan's cheek. "W-w-wow, we're p-p-pretty clueless huh?" He asked with a small laugh, unable to help himself from leaning in to kiss Stan again.

Stan giggled softly into the kiss, his heart soaring. And suddenly, he couldn't help himself, wrapping his arms around his neck as he pulled him down slightly to be closer.

Bill let out a surprised noise before just letting himself melt into the kiss. He let his hands rest on Stan's waist, not really sure where else to put them.

It was better than all of the late night daydreams he'd had of doing exactly this. He'd already been addicted to Bill's touch, but this was something entirely new, and so exciting.

The amount of times he had imagined kissing Stan could never even hold a candle to the real thing. He pulled back, smiling down at the boy who had been with him through everything, his car accident, the highs and lows of school, all of it. "Is this g-g-going to be a thing?" He asked, scared to speak any louder than a whisper, lest he shatter the delicate moment.

Stan breathed softly, his cheeks flushed. "I... I would really like that," he said shyly. "Although, I'm not sure that anything will really change except secret kisses," he giggled.

Bill smiled wide and shook his head. "That's en-n-n-nough for me." He said, kissing Stan again, soft and quick. "It's n-n-nice to do it."

Stan felt his heart flutter, "It is," he said, sounding absolutely lovestruck.

Bill took Stan's hand practically clinging to it. "I don't w-w-want to go home." He admitted, rather wishing to just stay with Stan and kiss him, hold him.

"Well, it's Friday night and my parents aren't waiting up on me... I could spend the night at your house," Stan suggested softly.

Well all of a sudden, Bill really wanted to get home. "You c-c-could?" He asked, a bit teasing as he kissed Stan's cheek. "Then w-w-what are we w-waiting for?"

"You think you could keep up with a student athlete~?" Stan teased, before tearing away from Bill and running down the street towards their street, laughing.

Bill let out a pout and chased after him, he wasn't as in shape anymore but he was still quick on his feet. "You're l-l-lucky I don't have Silver!" He yelled, chasing after Stan as fast as he could.

"I don't think you could beat me even on Silver~!" Stan yelled back teasingly, rounding the corner and heading towards Bill's house.

"Is that a ch-challenge?" Bill was running out of steam but they were so close. When they reached the front of his house he wrapped his arms around Stan's waist, swinging him around. "You've gotten fast b-b-birdie." the pet name just slid out.

Stan giggled, about to say "maybe it is~" when Bill called him that, and suddenly his face was burning. "We-well, yeah, running around bases does that," he said, trying and failing not to sound flustered.

Bill kissed him again, addicted to his lips, he felt light as air. "You d-d-do it well." He fished his key out and unlocked the door, his parents and Georgie were already in their rooms so they could just head to Bill's.

Stan didn't know why he suddenly felt like this was more intimate, he'd been in here a thousand times. To rid himself of that, he took off his hat and put it on Bill before walking to his dresser, announcing "I'm stealing your clothes."

Bill blushed, pulling the hat a bit more over his face, this felt a little more scandalous, though him and Stan had done this a million times. "You know w-w-where everything is." He said, laying back on the bed, the hat smelled like Stan.

Stan took a pair of flannel shorts and a hoodie- hm. Maybe he could claim it as his own now. 

He started stripping off his uniform, feeling a little hot in the cheeks like he hadn't done this so many times before. And if maybe he let Bill see the muscle he'd gained in the last few months.... well, no one could prove it.

Bill told himself he was going to look...he lied. He glanced up and just stared in gay awe. Stan had always been a small boy growing up but after getting into sports, he had _muscle_ , he was so hot, he couldn't handle it, his thighs, and his biceps, he was dead, Stan killed him.

"What?" Stan asked innocently as though he weren't standing there in his underwear, turning a little towards him, hoodie half on his arms.

Bill forced himself to tear his eyes away. "N-n-n-nothing." He mumbled, face bright red. He was certain that Stan was trying to kill him.

Stan snickered softly, pulling the hoodie over his head. You know what? Fuck the shorts, actually. He climbed onto the bed, snuggling beside him and into his shoulder.

Oh okay, Stan was just not gonna wear pants, that was fine, this was fine. He welcomed the snuggles by wrapping an arm around Stan before realizing..." I'm still in my jeans..." He said looking down, he didn't want to move.

Stan had an idea of how to help that, but... he couldn't, right? Even with this and their closeness before, that would be weird, right? "They are," he said instead, quite helpfully.

Bill groaned and pulled away, getting up so he could swap to sweatpants before rejoining Stan. "There that's a lot more c-c-comfortable." He shifted even closer to Stan.

Stan was happy with this, hugging around Bill's waist and burying his face into his chest. It was his favorite place to be, other than in the crook of Bill's neck.

Bill wrapped his arms around Stan, placing a kiss on his head, just like old times, but better.

Stan happily rested in Bill's embrace, his heart beating fast and then slowing to a calm the longer he laid there. Bill always seemed to make falling asleep easier...

Bill tugged a blanket over them, kissing Stan's head. They had cuddled many times over the years but this time it felt like everything was perfect, no hidden emotions, no fear, just them.


	6. Prom Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gets a little nsfw at the end but not smut

_ March, 1991  _

Bill was nervous, he had left a note on the front porch of Stan's house, asking him to meet him at the quarry, he had his boom box and a bouquet and fear. Prom was in two months, so there he was, freezing to death so he could do this in private, he was asking Stan to prom. He had a homemade card, with birds and vines on the front, a small portrait of Stan inside. He hoped Stan would say yes, they had been dating for a year now.

Stan smiled softly as he biked to the quarry, wondering what this was about. Usually he'd just come over, and it's not like Stan hadn't been home. His mom had pointed out the note. 

Of course, there was the little voice in his head that said that Bill was gonna break up with him or something like that, but Stan had gotten a little better at ignoring that voice. 

He hopped off his bike, blinking as he kicked the stand down, noticing the boombox- the bouquet??? "What's this?" he asked, a little confused smile on his face.

Bill smiled when he saw Stan turning to hit the play button, it was their mix tape. He picked up the bouquet and card and took a deep breath. "Stanley Uris, w-w-w-we've been listening to this tape for years, b-b-b-before I even fully understood what I felt for you." He said, walking up to him. "We've b-b-been dating for a year, and well..." He was so awkward, his thoughts couldn't come together, Stan did that to him sometimes. "Would you go to prom with me?" He didn't stutter at all the last sentence, looking Stan in the eyes with a smile.

Stan was maybe a little teary-eyed and touched, but god knows that he couldn't show that. So instead: "Dumbass, did you think I'd go with Richie?" he teased as he came over to kiss him softly.Truthfully, he hadn't thought about it, cause he wouldn't have thought he'd go. After all, it was for juniors and seniors, and he was still only a sophomore. 

Bill blushed, leaning into the kiss. "Never R-R-Richie, maybe Mike." He said with a laugh. He wrapped his arms around Stan's waist, keeping him close, he was happy, he'd always imagined going to prom with Stan as at least a friend, this was even better.

"I love you," Stan whispered softly, kissing him once more.

"I l-l-love you too." Bill whispered, pressing into the kiss happily.

-

_ May 1991 _

Stan was buzzing about his bedroom, checking over everything little thing for the four thousandth time that hour. 

His hair sat in "neat" curls, flirtily brushing just over his eye. He had his suit for temple, but they'd managed to get an addition for it, a nice grey vest that matched nicely with the pants and blazer, and a new tie (maybe breaking up the monochrome outfit with Bill's favorite color). He'd had it for years, but at least now it mostly fit him. He still would've liked the pants to be a little less loose on him, and for the blazer to have more shape, but there wasn't really anything to do done about it. Bill said he would come over to pick him at 6 and it was 5:55 and Stan was gonna explode before he even got here.

Bill's mom had helped him rent a tux, it didn't quite fit right but the blue tie went perfect with his eyes. He was practically vibrating with excitement, he was actually going to prom with Stan, well actually he was going with the loser's club and they felt bad leaving Stan out so they invited him, perfect cover up for Bill going to prom with his boyfriend. 

They were going to meet the rest of the losers at the school, Bill just needed to get Stan from his house, he had gotten his license so he could drive them himself. He grabbed the hidden boutineer that he had bought to go with his, they were similar enough to be tied together but not obvious that they were a pair. With a wave he ran over to Stan's house, knocking on the door eagerly.

Stan nearly tripped running down the stairs like an overexcited puppy as his mother opened the door with a greeting and a compliment on his outfit. 

"Are you staying the night with Bill after?" Mrs. Uris asked, looking at Stan as he was quite busy having Gay Feelings. 

"Wha- oh, yeah, um, probably, yeah," Stan said with a dopey grin to Bill. 

"Alright, you boys have fun then," she smiled, shooing them out the door, to which Stan happily went, taking Bill's hand for a moment when the door shut. 

"You look incredible," he said shyly.

Bill's breathe was stolen when Stan came into eyesight, sure he'd seen the suit before but still, the added touches made him breathless. He waved as the door closed, squeezing Stan's hand. "Y-y-you look p-pretty good yourself." He said, kissing Stan's hand and opening the truck door for him. "I have s-s-something for you."

It was illegal for Bill to do that like some Disney prince without any warning. But the curiosity made Stan let it go this once. "You do?" he asked as he climbed in.

Bill pulled out the boutineer. "I-It's not an exact m-match." He said, pinning it to Stan's suit. "B-b-but it's close." He wanted to kiss Stan but he also wanted to wait until they were a bit further from the house. He went around and started up the truck.

"Thank you," Stan squeaked, a little pink tint on his cheeks.  _ HE LOVED BILL DENBROUGH AND FUCK HE WISHED HE COULD SCREAM IT FROM THE FUCKING ROOFTOPS _ .

Bill drove to the highschool, shaking from nerves and excitement. As soon as he parked he leaned over and kissed Stan softly. "Are you ready?" He asked, trying not to be nervous about being with Stan in there, the losers would have their backs.

"Yeah," Stan whispered, squeezing his hand and pecking his cheek before opening the door and climbing out, straightening his blazer.

Bill offered Stan his arm and escorted him inside, waving at Richie and Eddie who were in line to get in. He, however, dropped Stan's arm as more people came in, they couldn't be too careful.

Stan sighed softly, wishing they could be as open as all the straight couples surrounding them. It did make him feel a little better to see that Richie and Eddie were having a similar problem. Richie looked like he was going to explode if he didn't hold Eddie's hand in the next two minutes.

Bill noticed Richie and Eddie trying to deal with not touching, they were attached at the hip during their outings with the losers, bickering and flirting. He looked over at Stan and smiled, bumping his hand against his, just to be able to touch him for a moment.

"How long through the night you think they'll make it before one of them pounces on the other to leave for privacy?" Stan grinned back at him.

Bill laughed. "I b-b-bet you Richie wil b-be dragging Eddie to the bathroom in half an hour." After that they probably wouldn't stay much longer.

"You sure it'll be Rich?" Stan snickered, maybe chancing leaning on his arm. In a totally friend platonic bro way.

Bill snorted. Y-you're right, I f-f-f-forget how bad Eddie can be."

"Now, how long after that do you think we'll last?" Stan asked, raising a little cocky eyebrow at him.

Bill blushed, he hadn't really thought about that. "W-well...depends on how long y-you can last being c-c-close without wanting to kiss me."

"Oh, Bill, I think you misunderstand. I've gotten used to that being your friend for like a thousand years," Stan said, poking his arm.

Bill blushed deeper. "Well then it's s-seeing who will b-b-break first." He said, smiling at Stan a challenge in his tone.

Stan could retort, but he'd save it for later. "Mm." He waved as the other two came over.

Bill stood up straight, waving at them. "Hey g-g-guys." He didn't bother to make any more space in between him and Stan.

Eddie was next to Richie, hand twitching, obviously wanting to take Richie's hand. "Hey there guys."

Richie broke, swinging a "casual" arm over Eddie. "How y'all doin' this fine evenin'? Stan, didn't you wear that to your bar mitzvah?" 

Stan glared at Richie. "Listen, I've had one suit since I was twelve, at least now I fit in it."

Bill snorted. "He looks g-g-good leave him alone." He said.

Eddie tried to seem displeased. "Yeah Richie aren't you wearing your dad's cologne and tie anyway?"

Richie pinched Eddie's cheek. "Shush, you, I'll lick your fuckin face." 

Stan snorted, "Yeah, I'm sure that's the only thing you're licking." 

Richie gasped. " _ Beep BEEP Stan! _ "

Bill choked on his breath, Stan had a mouth of his own when he wanted to. "Wow the trashmouth b-b-beeped Stan."

Eddie however was bright red. "Yeah beep beep, Bill control your man." He mumbled. 

Bill held his hands up, there was no controlling Stan.

Richie pretended to wipe a tear away. "I'm so proud..." 

"Bold of you to assume that I can be controlled."

Eddie laughed. "Let me guess it's big Bill over here that gets controlled."

Bill blushed brightly. "B-b-b-b-beep beep Eddie." He grabbed Stan's hand. "We're g-g-going to go in." He said, mortified.

Stan had to cover his mouth to keep himself from laughing, following Bill with little embarrassed giggles.

Bill shook his head, handing their tickets over. "I c-c-can't handle them some days." He said, bracing himself as he walked into the loud gym.

"I notice you didn't answer that though," Stan teased, not too worried about people hearing them now.

Bill blushed, pushing at Stan a bit. "W-w-we haven't, I d-d-don't know..." he was fucking dying.

"Hm, interesting," Stan hummed teasingly. "Well, it's a special night, who knows what could happen~" This asshole literally walked away from Bill to go to the punch table.

Bill was left there bright red and stuttering. "W-what does that mean?!" He called trying to catch up to Stan.

\--

Bill had spent the better part of the hour, by the wall talking to Stan and the losers. Over time they had all broken off to do their own things but Stan and Bill stayed in their corner. He perked up when a slow song came on, holding out his hand. "C-c-can I have this dance?"

Stan glanced around quickly before taking his hand with a little smile. "Yes, you sap," he said as if his heart wasn't going wild.

Bill grinned widely, no one was paying attention to the two losers in the corner. He swayed them with the music. "Call me a s-s-sap all you want, you're dancing."

"Well, I very well can't refuse the Disney prince charming, can I?" Stan grinned, wishing he could press closer, but this was already risky enough as it was.

Bill laughed, keeping Stan as close as he dared. It wasn't anything fancy, Bill didn't know how to do much, but it was sweet and it was them/

"You got the slow dance at prom you've been daydreaming about," Stan said softly with a little smile. "I hope I'm living up to it even a little bit."

Bill dared to rest his head against Stan's. "It's b-b-better than I had ever imagined, because of how m-much I love you." He said, being even more sappy.

"Careful, Bill, people might start thinking you have non hetero feelings for me," Stan teased, closing his eyes a moment. "I love you too~"

Bill lowered his voice. "Little to they kn-kn-know, all feelings I have for you are very non hetero." He joked, but pulling back a bit to seem less obvious. "How about after this we g-g-get out of here?"

"I think that sounds quite nice~" Stan said with a bit of a teasing tone. Who knew what that meant~

Bill sure didn't know what that meant, he just hummed and finished the dance, bowing at the end. "Thanks f-f-for the dance."

Stan laughed softly, pretending to lift the sides of a skirt as he curtsied.

Bill looked around and saw Eddie and Richie were nowhere to be found. "L-l-looks like we did better than R-R-Rich." He said. "Wanna g-g-get out of here?"

"Well, we knew that already," Stan giggled, holding Bill's sleeve since he couldn't hold his hand. "Yeah, let's go to your house~"

Bill wanted to take Stan's hand. "Yeah, let's go." He led Stan out, waving at Bev, Ben, and Mike on their way out. The cool night air felt amazing after the heat of the gym, it was lovely. He got the door for Stan again, giving him a quick kiss.

Well Stan had to smile, managing to hold himself back. There would be plenty of time for that when they were alone in Bill's room. Maybe even... more....... Maybe Stan had been thinking about it for a while and this seemed special enough, although he'd realized quite soon after that maybe it didn't really even that much to him because he loved Bill and no matter what or when, it would still be special.

Bill drove to his house, being careful not to go too fast despite how eager he was to get out of this suit and cuddling Stan, it had been hard to be with him but not able to touch him. 

He led Stan inside, able to avoid his family who were all turning in for the night. He shut the door to his room and kissed Stan, deep but gentle.

Stan sighed softly into it, hands going to hold onto Bill's blazer jacket, and after a moment, he began sliding it off of his shoulders.

Bill didn't fight it, letting the blazer fall off, he pushed Stan's off next, not breaking the kiss. Something about being out with Stan that night, him looking so handsome, he just wanted to kiss and touch him.

Stan's heart was beating faster, and he felt breathless as he broke the kiss, his fingers winding in Bill's tie, looking at it for a moment before gently tugging it, meeting Bill's eyes again as he led him to the bed, letting himself fall to a sit on the edge. If it wasn't clear before what Stan's intentions were, they sure as hell should be now.

Bill's face heated up as he was led to the bed by his tie. He looked at Stan for a minute before kissing him again, pressing him back against the bed as he straddled him carefully.

Yep, Bill was stealing every breath in Stan's lungs and he had absolutely no complaints about that. "Are you alright with this?" Stan asked softly, his fingers twisted gently in his hair. Maybe he was a  _ little _ anxious because it was a big thing for both of them. Well, or maybe he was just assuming that too...

Bill looked down at Stan, breathing hard. "Y-yes, are you?" He asked, he was honestly terrified, he'd never done this before, and it was with Stan, this was a huge step. "I know it-it's a huge thing."

Stan didn't even hesitate. "Yes. There's no one else I'd rather give my first time to," he said softly, pulling him back down softly for another kiss.

Bill blushed deeply, he couldn't even agree before he was pulled into another kiss. He tugged his tie off, working on Stan's slowly. He wanted this to be sweet and memorable.

"I love you," Stan whispered into his lips, repeating it in every kiss as his fingers worked the buttons of Bill's shirt because he felt like he never said it enough. But then, no amount of times could ever be enough.

Bill hummed into the kiss, untucking Stan's shirt from his pants. This was seriously happening. "I l-love you too." He breathed out. He began to move his kisses to Stan's jaw, very shy and nervous.

Stan bit his lip, sighing softly as he moved his head up, feeling like his heart was in his throat.

Bill was carefully kissing along Stan's neck, leaving kisses over his pulse. He was shaking as he began to unbutton Stan's vest and shirt.

Stan's hands came to hold over Bill's, steadying them. His breath was shaky but, "Are you okay?" he asked softly, wanting to make sure.

Bill nodded. "Y-yeah, just nervous." He admitted, looking into Stan's eyes. "I l-l-love you, I want this to be good."

"I love you too," Stan whispered. "So really, no matter what, I don't think I can be disappointed."

Bill buried his face in Stan's neck, placing light kisses. "Okay, I-I'm okay." He steadied his hands, getting the rest of the buttons undone and hesitantly touching Stan's stomach.

Stan's breath caught, and his hands trailed slowly down Bill's shoulders and down his arms as a soft shudder ran through him at the gentle touch.

Bill had heard from Eddie and Richie about how to do this, they never shut up. He bit at the skin gently, making sure not to hurt him as he pushed his shirt off.

Stan had to suck in a breath, biting his lip so he didn't make any noise at the new, strange but intoxicating feeling.

Bill began to suck slowly, pushing Stan back onto the bed slowly. He knew they would have to be relatively quiet, with his brother just a room over.

Stan took shaky breaths, trying to keep quiet, sighing Bill's name softly as he pressed his head against the mattress.

Bill kissed over the light mark, he wasn't going to mark him up too bad. "F-f-fuck Stan..." He said with a smile, kissing him gently.

As Stan kissed him back, pulling him closer, his hands settled on the waistband of his pants, and he felt his heart jump. "Can I?" he whispered.

Bill took a deep breath, he trusted Stan. "Yes." He breathed out, he wanted to give Stan everything he could and love him.


	7. Snapped (NSFW)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll do a little cut to show where it gets whoo so you can get the first part without the yeehaws

_ June 1992 _

Stan was tired. He was tired and angry and just fucking done. He'd had another fight with his dad, in his office at the temple, and guess what? Everyone in the room next door heard it. Awesome. Fucking great. Fuck this, he didn't want to go to temple anymore. Hell, he'd stopped wanting to go at age thirteen. He was fucking sixteen now, sure he wasn't an adult or fucking grown up or whatever, but he could make his own decisions and if that was deciding that the word of god wasn't as important to him as it was to his dad, then so fucking be it. Sorry he can't be the perfect hypermasculine and good Jewish son like he wanted him to be. 

He didn't know how he ended up at Bev's place, maybe because she was probably the best example of teenage rebellion that he knew and god that's all he fucking wanted right now. 

Her aunt wasn't home, so she blasted her loudest, angriest mixtape, and took scissors to his shirt, cutting it in half, cutting the neat sleeves shorter, she put a pair of her high waisted jeans on him with a tied belt, even put a little makeup on him, giving him a smoky eye and smudged eyeliner. The best part, though, was the haircut. Something his dad couldn't do shit about. She took the razor, cropping half of his head, leaving the longer curly mess on top.  _ "There, you could be on a magazine cover now~!" _ she'd said. 

And he'd ended up at Bill's house. He knew Georgie was out at a camp for the week, and only Bill's truck was in the driveway. So he was home alone. Perfect. He knocked.

Bill had been relaxing for the night, with Georgie gone and his parents out on a business trip he could just enjoy the freedom of having no one home. Of course though that all ended when there was a knock on his door, it could have been any of the losers but it was getting later so...he could only think of maybe two that would be there.

He opened the door and immediately froze, Stan was standing there, looking like a fucking model, the gentle make up and hair cut giving him an edgy androgynous look, Bill was very confused and very turned on. "H-Hey Stan." He greeted, it was such a change from his button ups and khakis.

Stan didn't even really answer, he just let himself in, shutting the door behind him before grabbing Bill's hand and all but dragging him back up to his bedroom.

_~~\- (nsfw cut)--~~ _

"Stan wh-" He let himself be dragged, thoroughly confused by what was going on. "W-What are we d-d-doing?" Bill asked, trying not to stare at Stan's ass, or his exposed midriff, focusing on how cute the haircut was, that would help him avoid a boner, a very confused boner.

"You are going to sit on that bed, and I am going to fucking ride you until I forget about my fucking dad, or until your dick falls off, whichever comes first." Stan huffed, locking the door just in case.

Bill stared at Stan, hesitantly sitting on the bed. "D-d-did you have another fight?" Should he be trying to talk it out when his boyfriend just offered to ride him? Probably not but he was Bill, he didn't know how to do anything without awkward.

"Yes, and I don't want to talk about it, I just want to disappoint him in every way I can," Stan said mock-sweetly, going to Bill and sitting himself in his lap, "If that's okay with you."

Bill figured they'd already been working on disappointing him but he wasn't going to argue. "Yes...that f-f-fine with me." He pulled Stan down into a kiss, making it soft.

Nuh uh. None of that soft shit right now. Stan brought his hands to Bill's face as he kissed him harder, intent on leaving Bill's lips swollen after this.

Bill let out a moan as Stan kissed him harder, giving up on trying to be in control, he was going to let Stan do what he wanted. He rested his hands on Stan's hips.

"Let me know if I'm going too hard because I'm not in the mood to take it easy on you," Stan said as he broke the kiss to all but rip Bill's shirt off.

Bill helped so he wouldn't get hurt as his shirt was pulled off, his words went straight to his dick. "W-w-we're alone, I'm y-y-yours." He said, smiling at Stan breathlessly.

"Good." Stan kissed him again, hard, grinding against him.

Bill gasped into the kiss, moans slipping from him as he tried to grind upwards. Stan was hot when he was worked up and pushy.

Stan suddenly stopped, getting up, but only to take off the belt and slip Bev's jeans off, cause obviously he didn't want to dirty them up like that. He went ahead and undid Bill's jeans once he was wearing only the crop top, slipping them off with his underwear before getting on his knees in front of Bill.

Bill was trying to breathe, looking down at Stan, this had to be a dream. "F-f-fuck Stan..." He breathed out, touching his shorter curls.

Stan's hands went slowly up Bill's inner thighs, before grabbing his dick and licking up it, not giving a moment's breath before he was down on him, reminding him that he didn't have a gag reflex.

Bill's hands gripped at his bedsheets, soft curses escaping his lips. "Shit S-S-Stan." He moaned out, he loved when Stan went down on him, he forced his hips to stay still so he wouldn't hurt him.

He didn't want to get Bill off too quickly, only make sure he was fully hard for him. He tapped Bill's thigh to get his attention, then pointed to the drawer where Bill kept the lube in a wordless "get it".

Bill had his eyes closed, head leaned back as he tried to breathe. He looked down when he was tapped, right lube. He tried not to move too much as he got it out of the drawer, fuck Stan felt so good.

Stan popped off, breathing a little heavy as he took the bottle and poured it into his hand, coating Bill's dick with a generous amount because he wasn't worrying about a lot of prep right now. Maybe he was feeling a little masochistic at the moment anyways. "Get me some tissues," he ordered, wanting to wipe this off his hand before touching Bill again. While Bill did that, he did a simple coat of his own entrance.

Bill let out a groan, reaching over to grab the tissues before seeing what Stan was doing. "Stan...y-y-you can't just...it's g-g-gonna hurt." He didn't want to hurt him, even though his eagerness did turn him on.

"Fucking good," Stan snapped slightly, grabbing the tissues from him and wiping off his hand, straddling himself on Bill's hips.

Bill swallowed heavily, Stan really was snapping. He pulled him into a kiss, hands settling on his waist, this form of Stan was too hot not to appreciate.

Stan's teeth bit at Bill's bottom lip, tugging it slightly as he reached behind him to grab Bill's dick and guide it. He let go of his lip as he pressed himself down, shutting his eyes as he shoved the tip in him, letting out a breath as he basked in the feeling. Since Bill was lubed up, it wasn't painful, just a little uncomfortable for a moment, but it was a feeling that Stan needed to physically feel in this state. He sank himself down further, swallowing hard and taking a shaky breath once he was seated fully on him, using the adjustment time to reclean off his hand before tossing the tissues, grabbing Bill's shoulders instead as he bounced smally on him with a little moan.

Bill gasped, tightening his grip on Stan's waist so his fingers dug into his skin. He felt like he couldn't breathe as Stan sank down onto him, he was so fucking tight. He began to kiss and bite at Stan's throat as he moved on him, pleasure almost overwhelming him, it felt more intense with how Stan was moving.

" _ Motherfuck _ ," Stan breathed out hard, keeping the movements small as he started rocking on him as well, creating a sort of circular motion up and down with his hips. "Mark me the fuck up," he demanded in a slight growl. "I want them everywhere."

Bill could only nod, words weren't a thing that was working as Stan moved his hips. He moved a hand up to pull at Stan's hair, tilting his head so he could suck dark bruises into Stan's neck, yanking at the collar of his shirt to get them lower.

"Mm, fuck,  _ yes _ , harder- fucking harder," Stan moaned, his hips going a little harder as well. He wanted to feel this fucking three days from now.

Bill began to roll his hips up, trying to thrust into Stan as he pulled his shirt up more. He tilted him back, thrusting at a new angle as he kissed and bit along his chest, holding his shirt up with one hand, the other pulling at his hair. "S-s-s-so hot..." He murmured against his skin.

Stan's mouth dropped open, unable to even moan for a moment from how fucking  _ good _ it felt. " _ Fuck _ , Bill-" he whimpered, his voice cracking on both words.

He had to have his moment of being a sap, he sucked a dark hickey right above Stan's heart, continuing his hard pace. He wasn't going to last long at this point, it was all so much.

It was close, but- "A little higher," Stan said, moving his hands to grip onto Bill's thighs, trying to angle his hips to help Bill that special spot as his dick twitched, laid towards his stomach.

Bill didn't even think, he just obeyed, shifting his hips higher, moans becoming louder, he was so glad his family was gone. He kissed back up to Stan's lips, biting at them before slipping his tongue into his mouth.

Stan didn't hesitate to lick over Bill's tongue, sucking on it as he wound his own around it. He was moaning back into Bill's mouth, hips twitching and bucking until he shuddered, coming all over his own stomach as his nails dug into Bill's thighs enough to leave marks.

Bill couldn't even fully believe that this was Stan, it was hot and fierce, it was amazing. He moaned as his nails dug into his thighs, coming hard into Stan, breathing heavily. "Fuck..." He said, barely more than a whisper.

Stan panted slightly, opening his eyes slightly to look at Bill, kissing him again, a little bit softer. "Fuck indeed," he laughed softly.

Bill just let out a breathy laugh, collapsing back onto the bed. "Y-y-you okay?" He asked, trying to stabilize his heart and breathing, and trying to ignore that Stan was still very much on his dick.

"More so," Stan hummed, although...~ He rolled his hips again.

Bill let out a moan, it almost hurt but it still felt good. "Stan..." He breathed out, staring at the ceiling. "W-what are you up to?"

"What do you mean~?" Stan asked, bouncing a little, but not stopping at one this time.

Bill hissed sharply, fading into a whine. "How are you r-ready to go again?" He asked, humor in his tone, Stan was going to kill him tonight.

"I am fueled by rage." Stan deadpanned. "But of course, I could always take it out other ways if you aren't up for it," he said with a little pout.

Bill laughed, sitting up and kissing Stan hard. "I'm up for it." He said. "J-j-just give me a s-second."

Stan stopped moving, kissing Bill back with the same force, hands trailing up his chest.

Bill let himself get lost in the kiss, when he felt okay to move again he thrusted up slowly. "Fuck, y-y-you have anything in mind for r-round two?" He asked, biting at Stan's lip.

"You wanna just fuck me from behind and pull my head back by my hair until I cry?" Cause that sounded very good right now.

Bill grinned and grabbed Stan's hips. "Sounds good." He picked Stan up off his lap and moved him so he was on the bed, on all fours. "I'm g-gonna make you scream." He promised, biting Stan's ear before thrusting into him again.

"You better-" Stan moaned sharply as he thrust into him, hands curling around the sheets.

Bill leaned over Stan as he pounded into him, yanking his head back by his hair and biting at his neck, adding to the bruises already there.

Stan whimpered and moaned, spreading his knees a little farther apart, his whole body rocking with Bill's thrusts. " _ Fuck.... Bill... _ "

Bill moved his kisses to Stan's back, marking across his shoulders and down his spine. Everything felt sharper since he was a bit overstimulated from before, he buried his moans in Stan's skin.

"Hold me harder~" Stan wanted to feel Bill's fingers digging into his flesh, he wanted to feel everything, he wanted it to hurt so good.

Bill could never deny Stan, he yanked harder on his hair, moving his other hand to hold Stan's hip, digging his fingers in, his nails catching the skin. "Shit..." He groaned, setting a punishing pace that had him dizzy,.

"H-hh-h-o-oh-" Stan whimpered, the tears coming as he moaned. "Fu-uck..." He cried softly in his moans, "Yes... fuck-"

Bill kissed over the marks, the only part of this that was soft. He dug his nails in harder, dragging them up his side a bit. "Fuck Stan." He murmured, moans slipping out as he got close again.

Tears slipped down his cheeks as Stan's arms gave out, knocking him on his elbows and the angle only making it better. "Fuck! FUckBILL SH-SHIT!" He was shaking, and he saw stars for a moment as he came harder than he ever had before, even with not much actually coming out.

Bill lasted for a few more thrusts before coming again. "God...St-Stan!" He called out, collapsing against him on the bed. He felt like jelly, he'd never had sex like that before.

Stan could only lay there, trying to catch his breath, his eyes shut in a watery seal, fingers still clenched in the sheet.

Bill pulled out, laying next to Stan, wiping his eyes. "Hey Stan..." He said quietly, pulling him close.

It took a very long moment for Stan to manage to get and keep his eyes open. "Fuck... tha was.. so good...." He just looked... slack. Just so blissed out that for once, nothing was tight or stiff.

Bill didn't think he had ever seen Stan so loose and calm. He rubbed his lower back, kissing his forehead. "It w-was." They were both kinda gross but Bill couldn't bring himself to move.

Oh, Stan was filthy. He had cum all over his stomach and his knees now from how he'd landed, dripping a little out of his ass. But fuck, right now he didn't even care and he was sorta marveling at that too. "I luh you," he mumbled weakly, closing his eyes as he bumped his forehead back against Bill's chin slightly. He was tingly and warm and sore all over, and it felt so good. He could tell that once he passed out, he wasn't gonna wake up anytime soon. Mm, another sleepover~

Bill threw a thin blanket over them, limbs heavy, and cuddled up to Stan. "I love you too." He said, his entire body was warm and sore, he was so tired.

Stan managed after a couple tries to roll over so he was facing Bill more, able to curl against him, managing to throw an arm around him and bury his face in his neck before promptly passing out.

Bill didn't last much longer, passing out within minutes.


	8. One More Night

_ August, 1993 _

It had been a fun day. Really, it had. Obviously, they all wanted to make their last day great. Something they'd remember. They'd hung out at the Quarry all day, all seven of them, playing games and acting fools, snacking on pizza and junk food and soda and telling stories and reminiscing on their pasts, on all the good times they'd shared.

It felt sort of like the morning he lost Dodi. He sat in Bill's hoodie on Bill's bed, trying to wipe his oncoming tears before Bill turned around from where he was changing and saw them. 

Morning would come and take Bill away, across the entire country. They would still write to each other, call each other, but he would be so far away. And if it wasn't bad enough, everyone except Mike was leaving too. By the time school started again, they'd all be in their respective colleges. And Stan would be alone, because Mike would probably be busy working on the farm and at his new job at the library. 

But he didn't want Bill to see that. He didn't want him to see the upset, the sorrow and fear he held in his heart. For tonight, he just wanted to hold Bill in his heart, make the last moments count until he could join him again.

Bill had enjoyed the day, he had finished packing yesterday, he just wanted to be with the losers before he went all the way to LA. However there was a cloud over the day...he would be losing Stan. Not losing losing, they would write, call when they could, but he was going to miss getting to hold him. 

He was getting ready for bed, heart hurting as he turned around and Stan was in his hoodie, looking miserable despite his best attempts. He went over and crawled into bed, pulling Stan to him, he didn't want him to see how his eyes were watering. "I love you." He whispered, relishing getting to say it in person while he still could.

"I love you too," Stan whispered back. God, it was gonna hurt so bad to watch him drive away. He sniffed, laughing softly, "Is it too late to kidnap you so you can't leave?"

Bill laughed. "I think it is." He kissed Stan's head. "I don't w-want to leave you." He said, his grip tightening. "I w-w-wish you could come w-with me."

Stan swallowed, "Well... it's only gonna be a year, right? Then I'll graduate and... I'll come to you, and... we can share an apartment or something, and we won't have to worry about stupid parents ever again, and we could be together every night," Stan said, mostly to make himself feel better.

Bill smiled. "Just a year...then it'll b-be us, just us." He promised, he couldn't say for certain what the future would hold but he would try his damndest to make sure that him and Stan stayed together. "I'm g-g-going to m-m-m-m-miss you so much." He said, his stutter getting worse as tears formed.

"I won't even get to kiss you goodbye," Stan murmured, burying his face in Bill's neck, hugging around him tightly.

"I know." His voice broke, he didn't care, he was hurting, he had been avoiding thinking about it too hard and here it was, he was leaving. "But we're here tonight, we don't have to face it yet."

Stan nodded into him, sighing shakily as he pressed kisses into his neck, keeping them light and gentle for now.

Bill relaxed into Stan's arms, holding him tightly. "I l-l-love you Stanley, n-n-never forget that." He whispered, a hand running up and down his back slowly.

"Don't make me cry," Stan mumbled, coming up to kiss him slowly, pressed against him, his hands coming up from behind his shoulders.

Bill pressed into the kiss, letting his eyes fall shut so he could just be in the moment, forget the future for now. His hands settled on Stan's waist, he was going to let Stan have control, he probably needed it.

Stan had no plans, although he did sorta imagine that he'd regret it later when he was horny and missing Bill if he didn't fuck him tonight. He'd just see where the night took them, pressing soft kisses that made his lips tingle into Bill's lips. He was going to miss this...

Bill relaxed with the kisses, memorizing how Stan's lips felt against his own, every press sending warmth through him. He was going to miss Stan every day.

It became clear to Stan after a few moments that maybe it just wasn't gonna happen. He was barely holding himself together as it was, and all he wanted was to hold and be held by Bill. He broke the kiss, his shoulders shaking slightly as he cried, tears slipping down his cheeks that he could only try to hide by ducking his head down further. But he couldn't do anything about the shaking breaths.

Bill's heart broke, he felt awful. "Shh I'm r-right here." He held Stan to his chest, rubbing his back and kissing his head. He had begun to cry, his heart felt like it was cracking in two, he knew he would be leaving half of it in Derry when he left.

But in less than six hours, he wouldn't be. He'd be getting on the early flight to California, leaving Stan behind. He held tight into him, remembering the way he smelled. Like a forest after it rained.

Bill buried his face in Stan's hair, the unmistakable scent of his shampoo mixed with baking bread from his mom and grass from his birdwatching adventures, it was Stan. Tears slipped down his cheek and onto the boy in his arms.

After a couple minutes, Stan had finally calmed himself down, hugging tightly into Bill, just sorta staring at part of Bill's shirt with still-teary eyes.

Bill remembered a purchase he had made with Ben and Bev when they went to the mall last. "I need to g-get up." He said pulling away from Stan and going to his desk. There, hidden underneath pictures of his friends, and birds, and Stan, was a necklace set, two halves of a heart. 

He pulled them out and walked over to the bed, sitting down.

Stan was confused, but he sat up, leaning on him once he was back. "Wh-what's that?"

Bill held them up, letting the magnet fall away so they separated. "I g-got these the last mall trip, they're f-f-for couples." He turned to Stan, unclasping one and putting it around his neck. "So y-you always have part of my heart w-w-with you."

Stan almost lost it again as he touched it, sniffing as he looked down at it, before looking back up at Bill and pulling him into another kiss.

Bill kissed Stan slowly, holding him close. "Now w-w-we'll always have each-ch other." He said with a teary smile, trying to put his necklace on.

Stan gently moved his hands up, helping him clasp it, and there was just something so tender and romantic and intimate about it that another tear slipped down Stan's cheek. "W-we will," he choked out slightly.

Bill leaned forward and kissed Stan, their necklaces bumped and the magnet locked the heart together. They were whole, for the last time in a year.

"I love you, Bill," Stan whispered softly. "I love you..."

"I love you too." Bill said quietly, letting him and Stan fall back onto the bed, not pulling far.

Stan curled into him, gently kissing his cheek. His eyes burned. "I don't wanna fall asleep..." he murmured.

Bill nodded. "I don't w-want to either." He said, cuddling closer. "I want to b-b-be with you."

Stan closed his eyes, pressing his forehead to his cheek. "Don't let me fall asleep..." he murmured as he started falling asleep.

Bill wanted to keep Stan up but he was so sleepy. "I'll try." He promised, kissing Stan's forehead.

Stan quickly lost the battle, falling asleep in his arms.

Bill smiled at Stan and watched him for a while, playing with his hair until he gave into sleep himself.

-

Morning came with a gentle knock on the door signaling it was time to get up. Plus the alarm starting to go off. Stan groaned, holding on tighter to Bill.

Bill's eyes shot open, he hadn't slept well, it was nerves and excitement and sadness. He looked over at his suitcases and everything. "Stan...baby..." He nudged him as he turned off the alarm. He didn't want to get up either but if he missed this flight it would be bad.

"If I don't let go, I could keep you," Stan mumbled, the part of him that wasn't still half asleep sad.

Bill tried not to cry, he couldn't cry, he needed to be strong for Stan. "Just a f-f-few months, I'll come home for Christmas." He promised.

"We should go skating on that creek that always freezes over. I can watch you fall on your ass again," Stan said, trying to smile.

Bill snorted. "Not all of us can be g-g-gifted at skating." He argued, sitting up more. "We c-c-can go see the lights too, I w-won't be gone forever." He hugged Stan tightly.

"Yeah... Yeah, we can." Stan sat up sadly, pressing a kiss to his lips, letting it linger much longer than it needed to because it would be the last in a long time.

Bill pressed into the kiss, tightening his grip before letting go, he needed to get dressed. He got up and pulled on his clothes, touching the heart necklace.

Stan watched him, holding himself, the sleeves of Bill's hoodie pressed over his hands. All he could think about was how much he loved him and how much he'd miss him.

Bill kissed Stan's forehead. "K-keep the hoodie, remember me." He said. He began to lug the suitcases down the stairs.

Stan nodded, unable to really say anything as he followed him. His heart was breaking as the car was loaded up, as Bill said goodbye to his family, as he stood to the side, trying not to cry because he didn't want Bill to leave seeing him cry. He could cry plenty once Bill drove off.

Bill sent his family inside so he could have a minute alone with Stan. He immediately pulled him into a kiss, holding him tightly. "I'll b-b-be back, I'm gonna come back."

"You be-better, asshole-" Stan choked, taking a shaky breath as he hugged him back even tighter. "You better shower me in gifts and affection to make up for leaving me alone for so long too."

Bill laughed. "Nothing b-b-but the best for you Stan." He promised, his watch beeped, he had to leave. "I don't wanna g-go"

"I don't want you to go... I love you so much." Stan laughed softly, trying to blink back tears as he playfully punched Bill's chest. "Don't you go falling for all those hot California girls and guys and forget about me." No, that wasn't a legitimate worry that Stan had thought a lot about and lost a lot of sleep over. No, never.

Bill scoffed. "Never Stan, everything I c-c-could want is right here." He kissed him one last time, he was sure he would never forget Stan, never move on. "I have to g-go." He pulled away and sniffed. "You'll always have m-m-my heart Stan."

"You'll always have mine," Stan whispered, letting his hand drop from Bill slowly. "Go on, be the best starving artist and aspiring writer the world's ever seen.... I'll be here." He smiled tearily at him.

Bill kissed Stan one last time before heading to his truck. His heart broke as he pulled out of the driveway, Stan was just staring at him teary eyed. He held himself together until he boarded the plane, then he broke down and sobbed for the whole plane ride.

Stan looked back up at the Denbrough house once Bill had disappeared out of sight. Bill's mother opened the door, gently asked if he wanted to stay in Bill's room a little longer. She knew how much the two boys meant to each other. 

Stan sat in the for once clean room. Bill's favorite drawings and paintings were gone with him, his clothes, it was like the barest shell of Bill's room. But on Bill's desk. Stan couldn't breathe for a moment as he picked the little triceratops up, carrying it to Bill's bed. The wild little boy who just loved dinosaurs and volcanos, who was too loud and almost scared Stan at first. Now he was gone, taking Stan's heart with him. 

And Stan cried. He cried and cried, and he felt arms around him, looking up to see Georgie, who was also teary-eyed. And there they sat, saying nothing and crying for Bill's departure until they could no longer.


	9. Bill Comes Home

_ December, 1993 _

Bill was thrumming with excitement. He was waiting outside of his old high school, leaning against his truck. He had told Stan he'd be back in town on the 22nd, a ploy, he came in on the last day of school for Stan, he wanted to spend all break with him.

Sure they wrote and talked on the phone as much as they could but he missed Stan's arms, his lips, everything about him, and he was so close. He heard the bell ring and perked up, he'd see him soon.

Stan was looking forward to break. Not because of the holidays, Hanukkah had already passed at the beginning of the month (which maybe he was still a little ticked that Christians got until New Year's off school for one night, when he had to go to school during his eight nights, but whatever). But Bill would be coming back, he'd been counting the days. Only six days, just a week left and then he'd get to hold him again. Plus, unless Bill had grown, Stan thinks he might be taller than him now! 

He walked out of the school, alone as usual, Bill's hoodie on under his jacket because it was snowy and cold out. He looked up as he walked, having to double-take because he thought that looked like Bill's- No, that- that was- oh my god- OH MY FUCKIGN GOD-

Stan fucking bolted directly for him, throwing his bag to the ground as he approached, before promptly tackling Bill into the snow, hugging him so tightly. "Oh my fucking you  _ liar _ you fucking  _ bitch _ I'm gonna kill you!" He was fucking crying, his shoulders shaking as he squeezed him.

Bill was ready to hug Stan, he however was not ready to get fucking tackled and cussed at...god he'd missed Stan. "S-surprise!" He said, hugging him back. "I w-wanted to surprise you, s-s-since I couldn't be here for Hanukkah." He sat up and ran his fingers through Stan's curls.

"I hate you," Stan whimpered out through his crying, unable to do anything but attempt to press his face so hard into Bill's neck he disappeared into it.

Bil laughed, rubbing Stan's back. "No you d-don't." He tried to hide his tears, but he was crying too, he had missed his boyfriend.

"No, I don't," Stan admitted, pulling up so that he could look at Bill's face. 

His own was a little changed, a little more mature-looking, honestly, just having gone from an eight to a straight ten in the last year. But he'd already told Bill about the girls that tried to flirt with him and ask him out on dates. While he'd let the undercut from the previous year grow out, he'd kept the shape it, letting his curls grow a little longer that they fell in his face. He smiled brightly at him, little dragon breaths coming from his mouth from the cold.

Bill thought Stan was the most beautiful person he had ever seen, he always had. "Who are y-y-you and what have you d-done with my Stan?" He felt his muscle build up as he hugged him.

"I don't know what you're talking about, I'm just same ol' Stan." Maybe a little new and improved~ Especially with fashion after Bev's intervention and after Stan stopped giving a rat's ass about his dad's approval.

Bill smiled. "Same Stan...just more f-f-free." He noted, pulling them both to their feet. "You w-w-wanna come back to my house? I have hot coco."

"What kinda dumbass question is that?" Stan asked, getting in the car after grabbing his bag. "Hurry up, I'm freezing," he complained, although he couldn't much mean it. "And if your parents are home, you better stop at that side street so I can kiss you."

Bill laughed. "G-g-g-good news, Georgie wanted to g-go to ice skating after school, and I s-s-s-said I wanted to catch up with you. Empty house." He started up his truck. "C-can I stop at the side street anyway?"

"Well, I would never pass up a chance to kiss you, plus after keeping me waiting this long..."

Bill smiled, pulling to the way to the side road. "I'm s-s-sorry, college called." He said, pulling out his necklace to fidget with it. He had gotten some crap for wearing it, others asking what his girlfriend was like, but it didn't matter, he knew it belonged to Stan.

Stan smiled softly as he watched Bill. He always wore his under his shirts just so he wouldn't have to explain himself, but he never took it off. He touched Bill's arm softly in the way he did when he wanted Bill to hold his hand.

Bill knew it well, letting go of his necklace to take Stan's hand. "You're w-wearing my hoodie." He said, smiling at the road. He pulled off on the abandoned side road.

"Of course," Stan said happily. "I'm gonna make you wear it all break so it smells like you again, by the way." He leaned over, pressing a soft kiss to Bill's cheek.

Bill turned his head and caught Stan's lips with his own. "Gladly." He tugged on it, pulling Stan in closer, enjoying feeling his lips again.

Stan kissed him slowly, bringing a hand up to cup his cheek, basking in the old familiarity of it.

Bill hummed, unbuckling his seatbelt so he could get closer. He tangled his hand in Stan's hair. He loved this, it was familiar and full of love.

Stan reached around with his free hand so he could do the same, bringing the other hand to rest on his chest, tilting his head to kiss Bill a little deeper.

Bill pulled away, breathing heavily. "I m-m-missed that." He said, brushing a hand along Stan's cheek. He was glad to be home, he didn't want to leave him again.

"I did too," Stan said softly, his eyes looking like melted chocolate as they looked over Bill's face.

Bill pulled away. "Let's g-get home, I want to c-cuddle you with hot coco and blankets."

"That sounds nice," Stan said happily. "We should watch Princess Bride," he said with a little smile.

Bill took Stan's hand, bringing it to his lips. "As you wish." He quipped. Sure enough, everyone was still out when they got there, they could be alone.

Stan smiled, biting his lip happily, and as soon as they were back in the house, he was latching back onto him- wait. HA! HE  _ WAS _ TALLER THAN BILL NOW. "Hehe... Guess you aren't-so-Big Bill now~"

Bill turned and frowned. "I knew you ch-changed, my Stan is finally becoming a m-m-man." He poked at his stomach teasingly. "Still c-c-cute." He kissed him gently, kinda thrilled he had to stretch up a bit.

"Bye bye Big Bill, hello Stan the Man," Stan teased. "I bet I could pick you up even easier now~"

Bill looked at his arms, trying not to let his mind wander too far. "P-probably, big baseball star and all." He hid his blush as he went to the kitchen to make hot coco.

Stan slinkily followed him, a bit of a mischievous look on his face as he stood in the doorway, watching him.

Bill didn't notice the look, focusing on getting everything right, giving Stan four marshmallows and none for himself. It was familiar.

Stan slinked closer and closer, waiting until Bill wasn't holding anything before scooping him up, holding him bridal style with the widest grin.

Bill had just turned slightly to pick up the mugs when he himself was picked up. "STAN!" He yelped, clinging to him tightly. "W-why?" He asked, face bright red.

"Because you're here and I can pick you up now and then I can do this~" Stan grinned as he kissed him again.

Bill blushed as he kissed Stan back, arms around his neck, for support and to keep him close. "I c-could get used to this." He admitted.

Stan smiled softly, kissing him one more time before setting him back down. "Now get the hot coco so I can cuddle your ass."

Bill rolled his eyes. "Someone h-h--had to pick me up." He shot back, getting the mugs and taking them to the couch. He put in princess bride while he was up and grabbed the remote, he had set out a pile of blankets before he left so they were well covered.

Stan was instantly Snuggled into them. Under every single one, except two so it was like a sleeping bag. He made impatient grabby hands for Bill.

Bill laughed. "Patience Stan." He got under the blankets and pressed right up with him, cuddling him close. "Perfect."

"No, I waited long enough," he pouted til Bill was snuggled with him. He happily cuddled back to him, pressing a little kiss to his cheek.

Bill pressed play and turned to kiss Stan. "You did, I'm s-s-sorry about that, I hate the d-distance." He wrapped an arm around Stan's shoulder, using his free hand to grab his coco.

"I do too," Stan murmured, sighing and honestly ignoring his hot coco in favor of Bill for the time being. He wasn't even paying that much attention to the movie, his head buried in Bill's neck because he missed being there.

Bill was sipping on his hot coco, but really he just had his eyes closed, taking in the feeling of Stan next to him. They had been in this position so many times but something about this time made him feel a surge of love for him.

"I love you," Stan whispered, pressing a kiss to his neck. "I missed you so much." He wasn't gonna let Bill know about how his heart broke daily when he passed Bill's house and knew he wasn't there. How he hated riding on the bus alone. How he was constantly lonely and worrying about calling Bill too much because he knew he had made new friends and was always busy.

Bill smiled, Stan had been on his mind every day, he had a whole list of places he wanted to take him when he moved to LA. "I love y-you too." He kissed Stan's head, he felt whole, it was cliche but he'd never been away from Stan that long his whole life.

Stan knew he shouldn't because it only hurt more... but he couldn't help but to think about Bill leaving again. He sighed softly, snuggling deeper into him. He'd just have to enjoy this time with him until he could be with him for good again.

-

"Come on, slowpoke!" Stan shouted, already happily skating over the frozen water. He'd already checked the ice, as long as they stayed away from the bridge where it was weaker, they'd be fine. Maybe he was showing off a little by skating backwards. He was no professional, but he could hold his own at least.

Bill let out a frustrated noise, trying to stay upright. "Not all of us are s-s-skating masters." He shot back, arms waving a bit, he could outrun the devil on his bike, however he had never gotten the hang of skating, not like Stan.

Stan tsked in mock disappointment. "Bev would be so disappointed." But he took pity on Bill, skating over and taking his hands. "Come on, bend your knees, one foot in front of the other," he reminded him softly.

Bill grumbled, taking Stan's hands, he totally didn't play up how bad he was just so he could hold them, nope. He bent his knees and while not great, he was skating a bit better than before.

"Good job," he praised, rewarding him with a little kiss on the cheek. He was maybe a little bit cheeky, letting go of one of Bill's hands so he could skate around him, gently pulling Bill in a tiny slow spin.

Bill blushed at the praise and kiss, Stan was the best. He let out a concerned yelp as he was spun a bit. "I don't know if I'm s-st-t-table enough for this."

"I'm not even going that fast, you big baby," Stan laughed, pulling Bill closer, and  _ maybe _ it was to trip him a little only to catch him in his arms. "And see, I'm right here to catch you~"

Bill pouted. "I am a b-baby, I can't skate." He yelped again as he was pulled and subsequently fell into Stan's arms. "You're a b-bully."

Stan stuck his tongue out at him as he helped him regain his balance, "You still love me~"

Bill snuck a quick kiss as he got back to his feet. "I love y-you so much."

Stan smiled, kissing one more time. And one more time. And one more just for good measure. He slowly pulled away, a growing mischievous smile on his face before he skated off, shouting behind him, "Let's see if you can catch up~!" 

\--

It was cold, way too cold to be out in a field waiting for fireworks. He and Stan had escaped, grabbing a pile of blankets and driving out to ring in the new year in private. He laid a blanket over the cold hood of his car, keeping Stan close as he piled three more on top of them. "This w-w-was a bad idea." He joked.

"Maybe, but we're together in private, aren't we?" Stan said through the slightest chatter of his teeth. "I'll take getting sick later to get to kiss you at midnight." They'd gotten here with just under half an hour until the new year.

Bill rolled his eyes, kissing Stan's head. "R-r-ring in the new year together." He mumbled, mainly to himself. He felt secure doing this with Stan, he wanted nothing more than to spend another year with Stan. "Y-You need more blankets?"

"Maybe a couple more," Stan nodded. He sighed softly, looking at Bill. "A year from now, we'll be doing this somewhere warmer, maybe in our apartment. Maybe we could have a place with a fireplace," he said a little dreamily. For two college boys from not well off families, yeah, it was a bit of a stretch, but he could dream a little.

Bill grabbed a couple more from the pile next to him, throwing them over their laps. "LA is always w-warm, it's nice, s-s-summer sucks though." Bill being from Maine, wasn't built for that kind of heat. "W-we could make a fireplace, an apartment, t-t-together." He snuggled closer to Stan, smiling gently.

Stan gently touched Bill's cheek, his eyes soft on him. "Even if we can't, we can find a house with one. And a little yard, maybe I could learn how to garden, see the hummingbirds out the window. I'd definitely want to get another bird too."

Bill smiled, relaxing against Stan. "A g-garden, birds, an office f-f-facing the yard." So he could see the beauty while he was working, Stan could too. "As long as I'm w-w-with you I'm okay with anything."

Stan nodded softly. He almost hesitated, but asked anyways. "Would you ever want kids?" he asked in the quietest voice.

Bill looked out at the stars, just thinking of their future, he could see a child or two running around. "Yes, one d-day." He said, his voice a mere whisper.

"Good. So do I," Stan smiled brightly. "We'd figure out a loophole, maybe a unofficial surrogate and full custody? I don't think an adoption agency would let a "single dad" take a kid. Plus it would be nice to be able to see the similarities." He was so soft by the thought.

Bill was lost in the mental image, a kid who looked like a bit of them both, running around, clinging to Stan's pant leg, sitting on Bill's lap as he wrote, zoo trips and family days. A tear slid down his cheek, it was perfect. "I think th-that's a great idea."

Stan gently wiped the tear away, pressing a soft kiss to the spot. After a moment, "How much longer til midnight?"

Bill smiled at the soft touch. He looked at his watch. "Two minutes." He said, keeping Stan close.

Stan nodded softly, pressing his forehead against Bill's, just enjoying the quiet moment. 

As the streams of light began, popping in the distance. Stan smiled, pressing the softest kiss. This was for their future together. Because it's all they had. The promise of the future.

Bill kissed back, sealing his promise, he would never leave Stan's side, they were going to have a future, he loved him more than anything.


	10. Shatter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: we both sobbed writing this

_ April 1994 _

Stan stared at the letter for a long time, sitting on his bed, holding Kookie tightly. He'd been accepted. Not only accepted, they'd offered a nearly full ride scholarship. It was too good to pass up. Most kids, especially ones who didn't come from families with a lot of money, wouldn't think twice. Only... 

This school was in Atlanta. Across the country from both home and... from Bill. 

They'd been planning for him to go to Bill's school. For them to be together. But it was also a more artsy school. The program Stan would do would be small, and the one in Atlanta was one of the best options he could hope for. It was almost guaranteed to get him a good job out of college, with great internships. 

But he wouldn't get Bill. And he... he knew he couldn't do this anymore. The distance killed him. The one time after the winter holidays that Bill could've come, he decided to spring break with his college friends. Stan understood, but still. It had hurt to know that Bill could've been there with  _ him _ and he wasn't because he was having fun with others. He couldn't hurt like this another four years, or more if he was going to get a bachelors or even a masters degree. 

He put his head in his hands, letting the letter flutter to the ground. 

-

_ June, 1994 _

Bill was coming home today. And Stan would have to tell him. He'd made up his mind in the last two months. He'd told Bill that he needed to talk to him about something important over the phone the previous night, but he wouldn't say about what. He just hoped that Bill couldn't hear the way his voice had wavered. 

So now here he was, sitting on a rock at the Quarry that had been the spot of so many kisses through the years, waiting for Bill just so he could break both of their hearts. He stared at the water, still just trying to think of how he would tell him.

Bill tried not to worry when Stan said they needed to talk about something important, he knew it was probably nothing. Besides, it would be a good time to tell Stan about the internship he got, he'd be gone for all of July until school started but then he would see Stan when he came to college!

He pulled up to the quarry on his bike, focusing on just seeing Stan again, he missed him so much, but this time they were going to be together, they weren't going to have to leave each other again right? He sat next to Stan, kissing his head. "Hey babe." He greeted, hugging him close.

Stan couldn't look at him, his hand starting to shake as he touched Bill's arm. He felt like his throat was closing up, and he swallowed hard, willing himself to not choke up or cry. "Hi," he whispered out.

Bill immediately knew something was up. "Stan? W-what's wrong?" He asked, trying to look at him. He seemed worked up and sad, what happened?

Would it better to work up to it? Or to just rip it off like a bandaid? Stan thought about it for a second, turning his head to avoid Bill's gaze, trying to collect himself. "The counselor recommended a school to me about halfway through the year. He-he said I should apply for it, and... and I did, it... it seemed like a really good school. I don't know, I guess I... I just wanted the options open." Stan looked down, taking a breath. "I got accepted with a nearly full ride. And it's almost guaranteed to get me a good job after I graduate." He choked on words for a moment like Bill did after his accident. "I-It's in Atlanta." He didn't dare look at Bill.

Bill was confused as Stan talked, his heart sinking more and more until it crashed. "Atlanta?" That was a lot different than their previous plans...but he was happy for Stan, he had his own life. "It's n-not LA b-b-but we can still wr-wr-wr-write and call, and meet up at the holidays." He said, desperate to find some good in this.

Stan had to put his head in his hands. He didn't want Bill to see him cry. "Bill, I... I can't. I- Bill, it's  _ killing _ me." He tried to breathe normally and it wasn't working. "And after spring break, I just.... it wasn't your fault, but my brain, I... I just thought the worst, that maybe you didn't love me anymore, that you had found someone else, that I wasn't enough anymore and- I can't go another four years just wanting you more than anything and not getting to hold you."

Bill felt like he had just been stabbed in the chest, tears fell from his eyes as everything processed. "Are...are you breaking up with me?" It was the worst case scenario, for once his anxieties had been right. "Stan I f-f-fucking love you, there's n-never been anyone else...never will be." He grabbed his hand, looking into Stan's eyes desperately searching for a sign this wasn't real. "I love you...I love you." He whispered, his voice breaking. "Stan please...we c-can make this work."

Stan gently touched Bill's cheek, tears slipping down his own. It always hurt to see Bill cry, but even more to know that it was because of him. "Bill, I love you too. So much... But," he said softly, his voice barely there, his head shaking slightly, "It's across the country. And even when you came home, I wouldn't be there." He closed his eyes, soft sobs escaping his lips. "May-maybe after we graduate- but- I... It'll be easier..."

Bill let out a sob, pulling his face away from Stan's hand, he couldn't, this was too painful. "Easier f-f-for who?" He asked, trying to stay calm when his heart felt like it was being shredded. "Stan I c-c-can't...I c-c-c-c-can't lose you, I w-wanna be happy for you but..." He squeezed his eyes shut, face covered in tears. "I j-j-just thought you were as s-s-serious about us as I am." He needed to leave, he was killing himself by staying, Stan was breaking up with him and he was going back to LA alone, this was a nightmare

"I was- I- I am, but... Bill, if I went to LA, I'd be debt for years for not that great a program, and I... My heart can't the distance. I just... It would kill me every day like it has been, and there wouldn't even be a set date this time. I can't do it, I'm sorry." Stan didn't bother to try and stop his own tears as he pulled his arms to himself, holding himself tight. He wanted to say  _ "I don't want to lose you. I want to stay friends." _ but it would hurt worse.

Bill wanted to reach out, to comfort Stan but he was hurting and he felt hurt and scared and lost...Stan was his home, what was he supposed to do without him? "I know...I'm s-s-sorry." He took a deep breath. "I love you Stan, I alw-ways will." He whispered, he needed to leave, he couldn't do this, he was getting too frustrated and he didn't want to say something he would regret.

"I leave in two weeks," Stan murmured, because saying I love you would hurt him too much right now. They both knew it to be true anyways.

Bill didn't respond, he grabbed his bike and just rode off, unable to see the road with the tears in his eyes. This was the worst thing that could have happened to him.

Stan watched him go, breaking down, bringing his knees to his chest and burying his face in them, his heart snapped in half. And Bill was still holding it as he left, for good this time.


	11. You've Got Mail!

_December, 1995_

_Bill,_

_I want to apologize for how things ended. Reflecting back on it, maybe I should have told you before, when I was accepted, or even when I was applying. I think it was just my own selfishness wanting more time. And I understand if you don't want to talk to me. I understand if you rip this letter up into pieces and throw them away. Although, I'd hope that so many years of friendship would at least let you hear me out. If you're still reading this, I can tell you how college is going for me. If not, then I suppose I'll know from the silence. But anyways, it's been going pretty well. The roommate I had dropped out after the first week, so now I have a room to myself, and I've made a few friends. A girl named Patty Blum has been a real help with me fitting in. She's actually from a Jewish family too! Classes take up a lot of my time, a lot of math, really. Atlanta is way different from Derry, it's so much bigger, though not as big as you always described LA to be. It's sorta weird walking down the street and seeing new faces every day... I can admit that I miss you, and it's weird to not be home in the winter. Even if I don't celebrate Christmas, I miss the lights we'd always go and see. You probably won't see this letter til after the new year, but I hope that you had a good holiday, and that you're doing well... if you ever want to talk, I'm still here. I have an email account now, stanleyuris1@aol.com, so... it would be faster than letters, and more on our own time than a phone call, if we're busy. Thank you for hearing me out if you did,_

_Stan_

\--

It had been three months since Bill got Stan's letter, since shoving it into a drawer and trying to forget about it. It however had only been one week since he found his copy of their mixtape, since putting it in and crying himself to sleep. He missed Stan so much, but he couldn't let himself get hurt again, he was making his friends worried, Audra was always coming over to make sure he was okay.

He knew he had to respond, to email him, it was going to eat him up if he didn't, nothing too close and personal though.

_Stan,_

_It's been a while, school had me busy, I'm glad you're making friends and that you like Atlanta. LA never changes much but I'm confirmed for an internship here so...I'm staying, I'm getting an apartment with a couple of friends_

He paused to delete, I love you, I miss you, settling on...

_Hope life treats you well._

_Bill._

He hit send and felt his heart break a little bit more, he would heal in time, surely.

-

_August, 1996_

_Bill,_

_The first year here has been busy, but quite rewarding. Me and Patty decided to get an apartment with our friend Ellie, we're in the process of moving at the moment. That should be a lot of fun, Patty bakes a lot, and Ellie is a music minor, so I'll be the boring one (although I guess that's not really anything new). I hope the internship is going well, and that you enjoy your summer._

_Stan_

-

_August, 1996_

_Stan,_

_Moving can be hard work, glad you found friends to move in with. Spent the summer doing screenwriting workshops and an internship at a publishing center. Audra and Stephen have proved good roommates. Hope your school year goes well._

_Bill._

-

_January, 1997_

_Happy birthday! I hope you're doing well and you enjoyed your holidays. Me and Patty introduced Ellie to Hannukah and I swear I've never seen that many latkes in my life. And she makes a mean challah, I might even say it was better than my mom's. Classes are keeping me busy as usual. And with your internships, you'll be blasting the bookstores before you know it._

_Stan_

##  **_-_ **

_February, 1997_

_Thanks for the birthday wish, school and work had me wrapped up. I'm glad you had a fun Hanukkah, I went home for a couple of days, saw Georgie. I'm gonna have to try that challah your mom always makes the best. I know you're doing great in school you always do but remember to take breaks._

_Bill_

##  **_-_ **

_July, 1997_

_Me and Patty are at Disney, Mike was jealous when I told him. Maybe once everyone's done with school, we can all take a trip to Disney. A little Loser reunion. Think that would be fun. Hear Rich got a writing job on a comedy show, SNL or something. Eddie was really proud. I hope you're doing well and school is treating you well, all's still well here._

_Stan_

##  **_-_ **

_Mike's been wanting to go to Florida for ages we should do a losers reunion. I heard about Richie finally that trashmouth has something to do with it. School has been fine, I'm dating Audra asked her out at the end of last school year._ _I miss you_ _good luck on this next year_

_Bill_

-

_Wow, I'm really happy for you... me and Patty actually started dating in March. Funny how things work out, I guess..._

-

_December, 1997_

_I hope you had a great Hanukkah I didn't go home for Christmas this year, thanks snowstorms. Audra and I went to her parents’ house, they're pretty nice, make good food but nothing like back home. It was weird having a Christmas with no snow, I owe Georgie a skating trip now, even though I still can't skate. Here's to a new year right? I can't believe I'm finishing off my senior year._

_Bill_

-

_January, 1998_

_Happy birthday. Crazy how time flies, really. I can't believe it's been a decade since you wacked that clown at your 12th birthday party. I actually found a picture of that party tucked in an old notebook I'd brought with me. We were both so tiny. I don't know, I guess it made me a little sentimental, with the timing and all. Anyways, do you know what you'll do after you graduate yet?_

_Stan_

-

_Wow I almost forgot about that, he had it coming in my defense. It's been a nearly two decades since we met how crazy? As for after college, I'm working on a novel right now and I have some friends that want me to do screen writing for them so that's something._

_Bill_

-

_Yeah... that's awesome. I'm proud of you, Big Bill._

_Stan_

##  **_-_ **

_May, 1998_

_I graduated yesterday, I officially have a degree in creative writing, now to just write I guess. My novel is coming along well, Audra and I are, well, we're staying together. I actually have my first job already, screenwriting assistant for a movie, We begin filming in June...I'm gonna be in Atlanta._

_Bill_

##  **_-_ **

Stan didn't know what to feel. He read over the last sentence a thousand times, and... it could have been perfect. Bill could have come to Atlanta and everything could be like it had been, and they could have gotten back together and been perfectly happy. But Bill was with Audra. And he was with Patty. 

He didn't realize that he was crying until Patty touched his shoulder gently, asking what was wrong. He blinked, looking up at her and back to the email, the tears rolling down his cheeks. 

"You still love him." 

It wasn't a question. Patty had known all along. She'd helped him through the hurt of it, and she knew it lingered, she saw how his eyes lit up when another email from Bill came, she'd heard the hurt in his flat voice when he said that Bill had a girlfriend now. 

"I... I never stopped," Stan said quietly. "But it doesn't matter now, does it? I mean, he's... and I, I mean, I have you, so..." 

"And you'll always have me. Whether we're together or if you leave me to get back with Bill, I will tease you about it at your wedding," Patty said, rubbing his back. 

Stan rolled his eyes, "Shut up, don't tease me." 

"I will. But I'm not now, I really do mean that. Tell him to meet up with you, you can show him around. Oh, you should take him to that diner you like!" Patty beamed, as Stan looked at her like she had grown a second head. "See what happens. Cause if I'm honest, Stanny, I don't think what he has with Audra can hold a candle to what the two of you have." 

Stan just sorta blinked at her. Well, he couldn't exactly refute it... 

_That's incredible, Bill, I'm so proud of you. And... if you want, we could meet up while you're here. There's this diner I go to a lot, I think you'd really like it._

_Stan_

_-_

Bill stared at Stan's reply, he wanted nothing more than to say yes. He still loved Stan with every fiber of his being, he loved Audra too sure but...it was a close friendship, he was hurt and Audra was there but it wasn't Stan. 

Audra walked in and saw Bill staring at his laptop, looking sad and hurt. "Stan?" She asked, standing next to Bill. She wasn't dumb, she knew that he was still hung up on him, she had processed it by now. She read the email. "I would take him up on the offer, you miss him." She placed a hand on his shoulder, she was ready to let him go.

Bill looked up at her. "You think?"

She just nodded and kissed his head. "Yes, now reply and help me pack these last few boxes."

Bill sighed, time to face the past. 

_Sounds great, I can't wait to see what Atlanta is like, I miss you._

For the first time in two years, he didn't erase those three words, he felt lighter.

##  **_-_ **

_I miss you too... What day do you get here? I can meet you somewhere whenever you want, since it's summer break, we aren't going anywhere._

##  **_-_ **

Bill couldn't stop smiling, he was even more excited to go to Atlanta...he hadn't been this excited in a long time. 

_Next thursday, I wanted a couple weeks to get to know Atlanta and to work on the script before the shoot._

He didn't even notice how they abandoned their careful formatting.

-

_I'll give you a day to get settled before I spring back up on you. Next Friday at 11, Metro Cafe Diner? It's in the Peachtree Center, so it should be easy to find._

-

_Perfect, see you then_


	12. Reunion

_ June, 1998 _

Stan wasn't nervous. Nope. Not at all. Why should he be, it was only Bill. Who he hadn't seen in three years. Who he was still in love with. God... He wondered what he was like now. Had college changed him at all? Had the years made him more mature like they had for Stan? Maybe Stan was twenty minutes early, but he wanted to make sure they had a nice spot, upstairs in a booth by the window so they could see the street. He sipped on his coffee, drumming his fingers slightly on the table. 

He looked different than he had in high school. Older, even in the brief time. He'd never been able to grow facial hair in high school, and starting two years ago, he had to shave every morning or he'd have stubble by day two. His hair was a little darker, less dirty blonde like it had been in his childhood, and less brown like it had started getting in high school, more of a dark reddish brown now. Still as curly as ever. He was dressed sharply, almost like how he used to dress with his polos, but a little more refined and fashionable, with slim black pants, nice shoes, and a nice coat. Most of his current wardrobe was purely Patty, honestly. She liked to spoil her friends, and she had enough money from her grandparents to do so. 

He checked his watch again. Almost eleven. Bill should be here any minute. His heel tapped slightly against the floor. Nope, not nervous at all.

Bill was practically shoved out of his apartment by Audra, he was about to panic and just not go but she had a point, he missed Stan. He'd grown more in the two years, he had constant stubble, he wore mainly flannels and baggy jeans, it was comfort over fashion for him. His stutter was gone and he was more confident with his writing and grew up more

He was fidgeting with his hands, he had the right cafe but was he ready? Was he ready to face the man who was the love of his life? Who haunted his dreams and made him sad? He had to be.

He got his coffee and found Stan, he was blown away....Stan...Stan was beautiful, more than he remembered. It took him a minute to regain his composure so he could go over to him. "Hey." He greeted as he sat down, as if the last two years didn't happen.

Stan looked up quickly as he saw someone approaching, only to have his breath completely taken away. It took him a moment to realize that Bill had greeted him, and Stan blinked, a little bit of a flush growing on his cheeks. "Uh- right, hi!" Very smooth. He cleared his throat, finally managing to tear his eyes off of him for a moment to regain his composure even slightly. "You look good," he said, perhaps a little shyer and less casual then he'd meant to as he looked back up at him.

Bill tried to fight back a blush, not even a minute and Stan was making heart beat like mad. "Thanks...you too." He sipped his coffee, trying to calm down. "So...how are you?" Easy enough question, friendly but not too friendly.

"Pretty good," Stan said, looking over Bill's face. Even with how different he looked, it was still the same Bill he'd always known. "Looking forward to having a break... You? Oh, how long are you, um, gonna be here for?"

Bill smiled, Stan was still Stan. "I don't know, I guess however long this shoot takes, then I guess back to LA, I'm working on my novel." He said, what he didn't say was how he was sure that with one word from Stan he would stay, he really needed to talk to Audra. He had to remember that Stan had someone too though.

"Ah..." He'd be leaving again. Stan couldn't help but sound disappointed, before he forced a smile onto his face. "Well, we should do better at communicating next time. Maybe call every once in a while..." His voice got a little softer. "I missed hearing your voice. A little weird to hear you without the stutter though," he laughed softly, looking down.

Bill laughed, he couldn't help but notice the disappointment though, Stan was still easy for him to read. "Speech therapy really helped, I uh...I missed your voice too." He fidgeted with his cup. "How is Patty?"

"She... she's good," Stan said, tugging on his earlobe a little, a slight nervous habit he'd never quite managed to kick. "Audra?"

Bill smiled at the quirk, it was so familiar. "She's okay, she's acting in the movie." He explained. He didn't really want to talk about them but it felt important to remind himself of them.

"I see... so, she's here too?" Stan tried not to feel disappointed. What the fuck was he thinking? Had he really come back to try and be a homewrecker? He was the one who broke up with Bill, and he could regret it all he wanted, but there was no changing it or that it had been for the better. Still, maybe he'd hoped that fate would bring him home to Bill. Maybe he still hoped. "Maybe her and Patty could hang out, if we're ever out. I mean, I- I- I know you'll probably and busy and stuff, but, you know."

Bill nodded, he knew what he was going into when he arrived here, he knew this was going to be bittersweet, but he wasn't expecting the hope and love that had risen. "Yeah, I think that would be nice, I'm sure they'll get along great." He hoped so anyway, Audra might be onto to the fact he still loved Stan but Patty and Stan were probably happy, he couldn't ruin that.

"Patty gets along with pretty much anyone, so... yeah." Stan glanced back up at Bill. God, he really did look so good. And fuck, he'd missed him so much.

Bill couldn't stop staring at Stan, it was unbelievable, part of him assumed he'd never see him again and there he was. "Do you mind if I eat? I haven't had the chance to today." He didn't say why but it was nerves. He put on his reading glasses as he picked up the menu, working on computers so much made his vision wonky.

"No, of course noooo...t...." Stan's voice trailed off as Bill took out. Glasses. And put them on. No. NO. NO THIS WASN'T FAIR, GOD, WHAT THE FUCK? NO- HE'S TALKING TO GOD HIMSELF NOW, WHAT THE FUCK, GOD??? YOU LET THIS HAPPEN??? FUCK YOU. "You got glasses," he said quite helpfully, staring a little wide eyed at him. God help him, Bill looked so cute. And hot. Definitely hot.

Bill glanced up at Stan, he kinda forgot he hadn't seen him in them. "Yeah, I need them to read, sad since I'm so young but oh well." He adjusted them, trying to ignore Stan's eyes on him, part of him was flattered, he knew that face.

"And they say I'm the old soul," he teased, trying to ignore the blush on his own face. "However will you write when you can't even read by 30...? So sad..."

Bill rolled his eyes, man he missed Stan's teasing. "You are an old soul Mr. Khakis and button ups in middle school." He looked up from the menu. "I'll be fine, I'm not going blind, I just need glasses, I'm surprised you don't old man." He teased back.

"I'm still fit as a fiddle," Stan grinned, tearing a little piece from one of the napkins, wadding it up to throw over at Bill, looking at his own menu like he hadn't done anything. Truly like old times.

Bill looked up, some things just don't change. He picked up the ball and aimed for Stan's curls, throwing it so it would get stuck. "Any suggestions?"

Stan pouted, fishing the ball out and throwing it back. "If you're wanting breakfast, they have good pancakes, and their eggs are always good. Lunch, they have good burgers, and I like their chicken Caesar wrap."

Bill swatted it to the side. "I might try the pancakes, I want something sweet."  _ Like you. _ He hated his brain. Picking up the ball he aimed for Stan's coffee, missing.

"If that had landed in my coffee, I would have throttled you," Stan said, glaring at him as he took the ball so Bill couldn't try again. But of course, he just ended up laughing. "I missed this," he said softly.

Bill stuck his tongue out at Stan, it was an empty threat, it always was. It hurt. "I missed it too, I missed you so much." He admitted, unable to look up at him. He wanted this back, the easy friendship, the fond love, he missed loving him.

It seemed like there was a million things that he could say, about countless nights he'd thought about him, how he would always think of how he'd like something, about how he and Patty went hiking every few weeks, and every time, the woody scent made him remember being in Bill's arms. But of course, he couldn't say any of that. "Yeah..." he agreed quietly. 

Luckily, the server came to fill up their coffees and take their orders, breaking the quiet moment. 

Once she was gone, Stan cleared his throat, "So, uh, what's this screenwriting you're doing?"

Bill felt awkward, he probably made things awkward, he was glad when the server stepped in. He sighed. "Some horror short film, my novel is horror based so they wanted me in to help with some of the elements."

"Ugh, you and your horror," Stan grimaced. He thought of how Bill used to make him watch horror movies with him late at night, and he would laugh when Stan got scared, but he would always hold him so Stan felt safe.

Bill shrugged. "I've always loved it you know that, I watched your nature documentaries with you, and besides, you liked how I held you when we watched horror movies." Was it crossing a line to bring that up? It was such a fond memory to him.

"I did... But you were always an asshole and tried to scare me after," Stan pouted slightly. But... "Confession though, I do still sometimes watch Beetlejuice..."

Bill cheered. "That's because that's a damn good movie, and I'm sorry I scared you, you were just so cute when you..." He trailed off, for sure he just over spoke. "Sorry." He said, voice quieter.

Stan blushed softly, looking down. "It's alright."  _ Don't get your hopes up, he still has Audra, you aren't trying to break up a relationship even if you know he belongs with you. _

Bill couldn't do this, it wasn't fair to Stan and Patty, and he and Audra still needed to talk. "Anyway, what do you do for fun around here?"

Stan thought for a moment. "Well, uh, me and Pat go hiking every once in a while, there's this nice park about half an hour away. Uh, there's a theatre where they do live performances, it's the Fox Theater, we went and saw Fiddler on the Roof once, it was pretty good. A little more expensive though. Um, movie theater, there's a little mall, uh, the Americamart, it's this big furniture and design showplace. We'll just go in and look around sometimes." Stan was slightly struggling. "I.... Bill, I'm boring, you know this. I would stay home and read and watch documentaries all day if Patty didn't drag me out once in a while."

Bill smiled and let out a quiet laugh. "I know."  _ I love that about you. _ "All of that sounds interesting though, maybe it's because you made me appreciate those things. Also though after growing up in Derry, I didn't go out besides bars and bowling in LA because I'm not used to choices."

Stan laughed softly. "Patty has dragged me to a bar or two. And Ellie managed to get us both to frat parties, and those..." Stan made a face, shaking his head. "I was once made to do a keg stand, and I was not good."

Bill laughed loudly, he couldn't imagine Stan at a frat party. "I went to some film major parties, I have done more body shots and shotgunning than I want to admit." He said. "I got out of the keg stand though, my buddy Stephen? Not so much."

"Oh my god. I was spared from those, at least," Stan laughed. "I also found out that I can drink whiskey and gin and rum and stuff like that fine, I'll be halfway through a second glass before I feel a buzz. But shots ruin me. Vodka and tequila, I'm done for."

Bill shook his head. "I always thought you'd be more of a lightweight, I can take a few shots, but tequila is not my friend." Many a regret happened while drunk before Audra.

Stan smiled, nodding. "God forbid we get drunk together. Patty says I'm crazy when I get drunk."

Bill really didn't want to comment on his hoe tendencies when drunk. "If you're crazy then definitely not, I think everyone has a drunk Bill story."

"Oh?" Stan asked, putting his chin in his hand. "Care to share a couple?"

Bill shook his head. "You're better off not knowing some things Stanley." Like how he was taking a new boy home every night for a while, how half of them left in a huff because drunk Bill called them Stan, how he swapped to girls to avoid that before Audra snapped him out of it.

Stan pouted, giving him  _ that _ look. "Come on, Billy, not even one~?"

Damn it Stan knew Bill couldn't resist that look, he had a few that weren't overly bad. "I got so drunk off of tequila I stripped down to my boxers, did a dramatic rendition of I will always love you then threw up on some cute guys' shoes. Now what about you? Anything you've done?"

Stan was quite pleased, and maybe he made a mental note that that trick still worked. "Jeez, alright, um..." He thought for a moment, clicking his tongue. "Oh, there was this big convention called Dragoncon, it's this annual thing at the start of September, and it's like one of those geeky costume conventions, and it's like a  _ huge _ deal and they'll be everywhere. So uh, we were in a bar that weekend, and there were all these people in costumes, and I was somehow roped into taking shots with a guy dressed as Han Solo, and then Patty said she looked away for about twenty seconds, and then I was gone. I don't remember much of the actual event, but I  _ did _ sneak into one of the convention hotels and at a party with the Han Solo cosplayer, and... Yeah, I got even more drunk, ended up getting kicked out when they went to another hotel and security saw I didn't have a pass. I had to call Patty and it took twenty minutes for her to find me cause I was using costumes as landmarks like 'I'm by the Transformer' 'oh my god it's a whole Star Trek'," he recounted, laughing.

Bill laughed, Stan was a wanderer, noted. "That sounds fun, I hope I'm around for that, but really, costumes as landmarks? People move Stanny." He said, looking up when the server came back with their food. "It wasn't all fun but the fun ones were worth it."

"Listen,  _ Bill _ , sober Stan knows that. Drunk Stan? No. Drunk Stan just... fucking I don't know what he knows." Stan smiled, giving a little thanks to the server. "Yeah, I guess."

Bill took a bite of his pancakes, they were almost better than the ones his mom made. "Shit Stan, this was your best idea yet." He said, digging in more. It was strange how their catching up made it feel like they were separated a few months not three years.

"Told you," Stan said with a little smile as he started on his omelet.

Silence fell over them as they ate, it wasn't uncomfortable like he feared, it felt companionable and honestly, nice. He didn't know what to say, he couldn't just tell Stan he missed him so much he almost wrecked his life, and he couldn't tell him that within one reunion he wanted him back, it wasn't fair.

Stan tried to think of something to say, something that wouldn't hurt... "How busy will you be, with the job and everything? "

Right work, a safe topic. "Well it'll vary, we have to give actors days off, I'm just helping the screenwriter so I don't have to be there as much, my nights will be free and most days unless they need the script edited."

"Well, I'll be free pretty much anytime. Oh, I can give you my number so we don't have to email back and forth while you're here, you can just call me," Stan said, digging a pen from the inside pocket of his coat and writing it down on a napkin before sliding it over. "I've got a Nokia, so I'll have it anytime."

Bill smiled, accepting the napkin. "I have one myself, part of the film job, people need to be able to contact me." He was happy to have Stan's number, a stable way to contact him. "We'll have to meet up more."

"Yeah, we will." He thought for a moment, "Actually give that back a sec," he wrote down an address too. "You, uh... you can come over anytime. I'm usually up late and up early anyways," he said, giving it back.

Bill just stared at the address, was that a good idea? "I have writers insomnia so I might take you up on that but I'll be respectful of Patty." He smiled at Stan, taking a napkin to write his info down. "Any night you need anything, here's where I am."

"She's a heavy sleeper, don't worry. You could bang on the door screaming and she  _ might _ roll over," he joked.

Bill sighed. "Well maybe she's safe from your insanely cold feet that you insist on pressing against other people." He jabbed teasingly. "Audra is out a lot, and she'll be more busy with the shoot so anything at all, come on over." He tried to keep it light even though every part of him was begging Stan to come to his place.

"Just for that, as soon as I come over, I'm putting my cold feet on you." Fuck it, why pretend he wouldn't end up there?

Bill glared at him. "You wouldn't dare." He knew Stan totally would but he had to his the thrill of excitement that went through him at the thought of Stan in his apartment. How had he ever thought he was over him?

"Yes, I would, and lets not pretend we don't both know it," Stan said solemnly.

Bill sighed. "Yeah I know." He always loved how Stan would press his cold feet to his legs while they cuddled, settling in as they warmed up, it was just part of it. "Buy thicker socks."

"Buy a thicker..." Stan stopped, sighing at himself. "God, I was about to pull a Trashmouth..."

Bill laughed. "Richie does rub off on you, what were you gonna say Stanny?" He shot him his version of puppy dog eyes.

"See, you're giving me that look, but you aren't gonna like what I was gonna say," Stan giggled.

"Try me." Bill had a feeling he would regret that.

"Fine. Buy a thicker dick." Stan stared at him with a 'what did you expect' look.

Bill snorted. "You never complained before." It was out of his mouth before he could stop it.

Stan blushed, "I didn't..." Maybe that was one of the things he missed too.....

Bill noticed the blush but also didn't hear any arguments. His face was dusted with red, he missed Stan, all of him, that included. "Anyway moving on, I'm sure Audra wouldn't mind you and Patty coming over sometime."

"Right, yeah..." Stan could scream. He didn't, obviously, but he could. He sorta didn't know what else to say to that. He busied himself with his food so he didn't look at Bill's lips and think about kissing them again.

That topic had Bill spiraling into dangerous territory, remembering how it felt to kiss Stan, to touch him, everything he wasn't allowed to do anymore. "Yeah..." He really messed up the mood.

Maybe he shouldn't ask it, but Stan softly spoke, unable to keep the question back that he'd wondered for three years. "You're happy, right?"

Bill froze, that was a complicated question, sure he was happy enough, but Stan had been there, eating away like a painful wound, unhealing. "Yeah, totally." His voice sounded hollow even to his own ears with that answer. "What about you?" Maybe if he heard Stan say he was happy with Patty he could move on, even if he wasn't truly happy with Audra.

Stan was quiet for a long moment, running his finger over the rim of his coffee cup, staring at the dark liquid as though it would tell him the answer. He was happy. He liked the school and the area and his life and Patty... but it was always missing something. It was always missing his other half. His home. "I'm happy... but I'm never satisfied. It's just... incomplete," he said softly, daring to look up at Bill.

Bill felt that, he didn't know who he was trying to convince by lying right now, Stan was being honest, he deserved honesty back. "I understand, I have my dream job, I'm working on a novel, I'm in Atlanta...but it's not enough, there's something missing, a hole that isn't filled." That hole was Stan.

Stan laughed, a bit of a bitter sound, as he leaned back in the seat, looking up at the ceiling and biting his lip. "You know, I always hoped that after we graduated we'd figure things out and get back together. We'd have the life we dreamed of." He knew he shouldn't say it. He knew. But part of him didn't care right now, either.

Bill looked down at the table, the unspoken out in the open. "I wasn't sure." He admitted. "After our fight, I wasn't sure if we'd ever come back together again, then I started dating Audra...but it's not what I want, I want what I can't have."

Stan looked back down, staring at Bill.  _ Homewrecker. But Bill isn't happy. And Patty... well, she deserves better than a man who will never be over someone else. _ "Bill?" he said softly. "I've never been over you. I... I still have the necklace you gave me. It sits on my desk cause I can't ever get rid of it."

Bill didn't look away from the table, this wasn't fair, Stan was with someone and well him and Audra had been pulling away for a while, personal issues definitely tied to the man across from him. "I have the necklace too, I keep it in my writing desk, I also have our mixtape, photos of us, drawings of you, of your favorite birds, Stan..." He looked up. "I never let you go, I told you how much I loved you, but Patty, and Audra. This isn't healthy."

Stan swallowed, looking down and taking a breath. "Patty knows. Actually, she was the one who told me to invite you out. And she's one of my best friends, I just... I don't think it's fair to her, because I... Bill, I don't think I'd ever really be over you.”

Bill let out a hollow laugh, nails digging into his palms. "I think Audra knows...she practically kicked me out of the apartment and we've been growing distant." He said, trying not to cry. "I don't think I could move on from you even if I wanted to, you've been in my life since we were kids, Stan, you're my bestest friend, and my first love, possibly the only." The confession felt like a weight off of his chest, he'd been burying this for so long.

Stan gently pushed his own plate to the side so that he could reach across and take Bill's hand so that he couldn't dig his nails in. Bill had done the same for him so many times... "Bill... I..." He met his eyes, staring into the green he loved so much. " _ What if you stayed _ ?" he whispered.

Bill was shocked when Stan took his hand, the warmth familiar and comforting. He looked at Stan, his brown eyes always drew him in and kept him captivated. "Do you want me to?" That was the question, if Stan wanted him, he would stay, he could write just as well in Atlanta, and a lot of film shoots happened here, he could make it work, Stan only had to say the word.

"Please." Stan licked his lips softly, looking quite vulnerable. "These years without you have been hell, even when they were great. I just miss you. And even if... even if we couldn't be together again, maybe just having you back would be enough." It wouldn't. But Stan could make it enough.

Part of Bill hurt but part of him was hopeful. "Then I'm not going anywhere Stan, I'll stay after the shoot. I can't leave you again, I don't want to." He knew what Stan said, maybe not as boyfriends, that would be hard, he wanted to kiss him so badly.

Stan smiled, and he had to pull back to quickly wipe his eyes so Bill didn't see him tearing up.

Bill caught it but didn't push. "I promise I won't push or make you uncomfortable, but just being friends again means the world to me."  _ not enough not enough not enough _ kept racing through his head, it would have to be enough, he wasn't risking his place in Stan's life again.

"Bill, if you wanted..." Stan paused, hesitating. But he may as well put it out there on the table, for Bill to take or leave. "If you wanted to... Patty already understands and encourages it, and... I'd be happy just being her friend. But if you want to stay with Audra, I get it..."

Bill needed to talk to her, to make sure he was right about everything and that they were really not in love on both sides. "I...I don't, I want to be friends with her, but compared to you? My love for you is strong. I need to talk to her, I think she suspects but I don't want to hurt her you know?"

"Yeah..." Stan smiled softly at him, "But we have time to figure that out."

Bill smiled, squeezing Stan's hand. "We do...I don't think I can tell you enough how much I missed you." He held himself back so he wouldn't kiss him, they had time for that after they talk to the girls.

"Me either," Stan agreed softly, squeezing back. He looked over Bill with tender eyes. Maybe for the first time in three years, he could be whole again.


	13. We Need to Talk

_ June, 1998 _

Bill had been unusually happy since meeting Stan at the diner, Audra could see this, it made her happy too, he was back to being the Bill she first met. It was little things, drawing Stan over and over, looking at them non stop, she'd walked in on him clinging to a necklace and crying, but it was different now. He was smiling, listening to music and fiddling with the necklace while writing. She knocked on the frame of the small office before walking in. "So did meeting up with Stan go well?" She knew their history of course.

Bill jumped, trying to hide the necklace and turn off the music. "Audra, you scared me." He smiled at her, it was more hesitant than a minute ago. "Yeah it was nice." 

She stepped in further and sat on a stool facing him. "Be honest with me Bill, you saw him again, you seem brighter than you ever did with us." She should be hurt but she saw this coming, her and Bill were never going to be as in love as him and Stan were, she made her peace with it, she had her own career and she was here for a job. "You still love him." 

Bill looked terrified, of course she knew. "Yes, I never stopped." He admitted.

"Thought so, I'm not mad Bill, I just want you to be happy, I'm not making you happy, one day and he already is making you as happy as you were when you were 18, we're not working, I'm okay with this, seriously." She had already cried to her friends, processed, and knew it was for the better. "Be with him."

Bill looked at her in disbelief. "Seriously?" He thought this was going to be a lot harder.

"Yes, but you have to find me a new partner, you owe me." She teased, she was still going to be his friend, someone needed to keep an eye on him.

He pulled her into a hug. "Thank you." He whispered, tears escaping.

"Don't waste this chance." She told him, hugging back just as tightly.

-

Patty could see it as soon as he walked in the door of their apartment. He didn't even have to open his mouth before she smiled. 

"I take it it went well?" 

He smiled shyly, coming to sit next to her on the couch, pulling her into his arms. "Pat, you really don't mind?" he asked softly. 

"Of course not. You're my best friend before anything else, Stanley." She pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. "I just want you to be happy. And right now, you're happier than I've ever seen you. I can just- don't you fucking laugh at me... I can feel it from your heart." 

He couldn't help the little laugh that escaped him, earning a playful hit on the shoulder. "He said he's gonna talk to Audra, that they haven't really been happy for a while." 

She hugged him happily. "You better not make me a third wheel every time we hang out."

"No promises," he teased, earning another hit and a laugh.

Patty was right; he hadn't felt this light and happy in years. 

-

Audra was out, there were rehearsals and stuff at the moment which since Bill was just an assistant he didn't get called into. So he called Stan, he wanted to tell him the good news but not over the phone. 

He paced nervously as it rang, fear and excitement coursing through him, he really hoped this wasn't a joke.

Stan's heart jumped as he saw the caller ID, nearly dropping his phone in his rush to answer it. "Hi Bill!" he said in a rush. 

Patty burst out laughing in the background. Stan flipped her off, feeling his ears burning a little. "What's up?"

Bill took a calming breath, no good to start stuttering now. "Hey, I was wondering if you uh..." He could ask this it was fine. "If you wanted to come over to talk? Audra left for work and we need to talk."

"Yeah, of course, I'll be right over," Stan said, pretending he was breathing. "I'll see you in a bit." 

After he hung up, he looked at Patty and screamed just a little bit. She was still wiping tears from her eyes, giggling. 

"Go get your man," Patty grinned, kicking his butt on his way out. 

-

He was there within ten minutes, trying to take a breath as he knocked on the door.

Bill answered the door, looking really happy and very nervous. "Come in, you can just sit anywhere, sorry it's a mess we haven't had time to finish unpacking yet." He explained, moving some boxes around.

"Oh, it's fine," Stan assured, a shy smile on his face as he came in. "It's a nice place." His heart felt like it was about to burst straight out of his chest.

Bill sat on the couch, wringing his hands as he looked at Stan. "So...did you talk to Patty?" His heart was fit to burst

"Yeah, I did." Stan came and sat beside him, leaving just shy of a foot of space between them. "She's happy for me." He laughed a little nervously, "She said she better not be a third wheel."

To Bill that foot felt like a canyon, though hearing Patty was happy for Stan seemed to make it smaller. "No promises." He joked, his breath falling out all in one. "Audra seemed okay with it, I suspect she had processed it when our relationship started getting rocky, we're better as friends, she told me not to waste this chance." He smiled up at Stan.

Stan's lungs decided that air was no longer important. Stan's brain was too busy reeling to say otherwise. He blinked, trying to think of anything that was standing in the way. It seemed so easy, and Stan almost thought there must be some sort of trick waiting. "So... we're both single again. And we're both here..." Stan let his gaze glance to Bill's lips, wanting them almost more than ever.

Bill saw Stan look at his lips, he felt like there should be more hang ups, more obstacles, but they were there, no longer dating people, and as in love as ever, what was there to stop them? He scooted closer. "Stan...are you sure about this?" he asked, voice quiet, he couldn't get hurt again, not by him.

"If you're staying," Stan said softly. But in all honesty... "Well, even if you weren't, I only have a year left of school." His hand placed itself on Bill's chest like it had always belonged there. Which it had. Stan could cry from the familiar warmth.

Bill laid his hand on top of Stan's. "I told you, I'm not going anywhere Stan, not if you want me to stay." He wouldn't mind relocating, Atlanta wasn't bad, especially if Stan was there. "I just don't want to lose you again." He leaned in, nerves racing through his body, he wanted to kiss him so badly.

"You won't," Stan promised. A little shyly, he reached under his shirt, pulling out his necklace half. "I've kept your heart through this, and you'll have mine forever."  He wasn't gonna mention that Patty had absolutely come up with that.

Bill pulled his necklace from his pocket. "I never lost yours either." He said, pulling his hand away to put it back on, the old familiar weight felt amazing. "I never will." He took the leap and pressed a gentle kiss to Stan's lips.

Maybe another time, Stan would have berated himself for the cliché thought, but it felt like something clicked into place in his heart. Like the last piece of a puzzle. He pressed closer to him, his eyes shutting as he sunk into the feeling he'd dreamt of and missed so much.

Bill was lost, well not really, it felt like finally he was found, he was where he belonged. He pulled Stan practically onto his lap as he pressed into the kiss, he missed this, he needed this.

Stan's hands cupped Bill's face, holding like he was afraid that if he showed any hesitation, he'd slip right through his fingers again. It was different. Mostly the slight scratch against his cheek, but he certainly didn't mind it. But it was still so the same. His heart beat just as fast as the first time they'd kissed, all those years ago under a streetlight on a crummy old empty road.

Bill pulled away, his brain trying to process everything, he really just kissed the man he had been missing for years. It was different, they were different, but it was still perfect. "Stan...I love you." He said quietly, looking at him, wishing there weren't tears in his eyes.

Stan's own eyes were watery as he smiled back at Bill. "I love you too," he barely managed to choke out. And then he was pressed tight to Bill, his head buried into the crook of his neck. He was home. Bill still smelled like pine trees.  _ He was home _ .

Bill held Stan tightly, he used the same shampoo, he still smelled of baking bread, of home. He finally felt at home, not the hellhole that was Derry, but with Stan. He ran his fingers through his curls, humming an old song from their childhood, he sang with Stan and Dodi, a good memory.

Stan smiled as he recognized the song, finding himself humming along. "I still have that drawing of Dodi hanging on my wall," he admitted quietly. "I could never toss anything out."

Bill smiled. "I'm glad, dating or no, that was my dedication to her." He wondered if he should be open about his embarrassing secret, he doubted Stan would be weirded out. "I still draw her, and you, I have a whole drawer full of drawings of you, it was a bit obsessive but it eased the ache."

"I'd like to see them sometime," Stan said softly, his thumb brushing along Bill's collarbone. "I still have a bunch of polaroids. Bev actually sent me some more, she found a whole box of them." He smiled at the memories of Beverly snapping candids of all of them near daily after she got the camera.

Bill sighed, memories flooding back. "I never threw anything away, I keep it in my writing desk. Every picture, every thing that reminded me of you, our mixtape, I never stopped being in love with you. I don't know how Audra put up with it." He relaxed at Stan's touch, he didn't want to move ever.

"Same... Patty was honestly a godsend. I think she knew when we started dating that if you ever came back, I'd still be hung up over you." Stan sighed softly. He touched where the stubble started on Bill's neck, running his finger over it curiously.

Bill let out a laugh. "Audra helped me heal, it just felt logical to start dating but I think she knew my heart wasn't in it as much, love her, but not romantically." He looked at Stan, fond amusement on his face. "I don't shave like I should, if it bothers you just let me know."

Stan nodded softly, blinking up at him as Bill continued. "Hm? Oh." He blushed a little, having not fully realized what he was doing. "Just thought it was funny that both of us were late bloomers in getting facial hair."

Bill touched Stan's cheek. "That is funny, mine came with a vengeance though, I always have stubble by the afternoon no matter how hard I try." He couldn't help but lean in and kiss Stan again, because he could, because he was right here and they could.

Stan smiled into the kiss, humming softly. "Have you ever grown it out?" Oh boy. "With the flannel look you got going on, you could pass as a lumberjack." Stan laughed suddenly, "Oh my god, you could be that Paul Bunyan statue!"

Bill was about to answer until he got compared to that damn statue. "Yes I have, it wasn't a good look, and don't call me Paul Bunyan ever again, that statue gave me nightmares." He said, nudging Stan. "Not as bad as Richie though."

Stan laughed softly, "I don't know, maybe you should grow it out and be Paul for Halloween. I might have to unassociate with you, but I think it would be fun."

Bill pulled away. "Oh god no, if I'm doing that I'm making you associate with me, you can be the clown I beat up and embarrassed." He poked at Stan's cheeks.

Stan puffed his cheeks out, pouting at him.

Bill hugged Stan close. "No pouting you know I can't resist it."

"Good. As it should be." Yes, he realized it was a very Eddie-like answer, but did he care? No. He simply pressed a kiss to Bill's neck.

Bill smiled, it was nice to be like this, he missed it. "What would you do if I became resistant?"

Stan hummed in thought. "Die," he decided, nodding.

Bill gasped before bursting into laughter. "So rude." He tackled Stan back onto the couch.

Stan yelped as he hit the cushion, "Says the man who just attacked me!" But he was laughing. Of course he was laughing.

Bill buried his face in Stan's neck, breathing in the familiar, comforting scent. "You love it, right?" He hated how anxious he still was, part of him waiting for this to be a dream he had to wake up from, to Audra being in bed next to him in LA.

"No, I hate you," Stan murmured, unable to get the smile off his face for even a moment to pretend to be annoyed.

Bill felt a pang of fear, that this might turn into a nightmare until he saw the smile. "You're still such a brat." He said, kissing his neck.

"Blame Eddie and Beverly, they corrupted me," Stan grinned, wrapping his arms around Bill's shoulders as he settled into a reclined position.

"I can't believe that they've corrupted you, what's next telling me you're a stripper?" Bill asked dramatically, collapsing against Stan's chest.

"Oh, did I not mention that in my emails?" Stan said, sounding worried for a moment. "How else do you think I paid my way through college?" It was so very hard not to laugh.

Bill snorted. "Well after your little stint in high school, you'd be good at it." He joked, remembering the night Stan just snapped. "Not sure how much the Temple would approve of that though."

"Well, the Temple can suck my dick for all I care," Stan rolled his eyes. "Besides, I couldn't be a stripper cause I'm a private show," he added with a wink.

Bill choked on his breath. "Okay wow, never thought I'd hear that, maybe fuck the Rabbi but damn." He snuggled up to Stan. "You're the best damn show around too."

Listen. He had to. "Better than Audra~?"

Bill rolled his eyes. "Really Stan? Yes, better than Audra." He poked at him. "You'll always be the best, promise."

"Well, I have to make sure," Stan said in offense, poking him back.

Bill sighed. "Stan, the only thing she beats you in is that she has better boobs, okay?"

Stan looked down at his own chest as if in consideration. "Hm."

Bill laughed. "Stan you don't have boobs don't try." he teased. "What about Patty? She beat me in anything?" He let himself relax, he wasn't ever jealous of her, just missing Stan.

"Well, considering that you once nearly burned your house down making premade cookies, I'd say she's a better baker," Stan teased back.

Bill had to give her that. "Listen the instructions weren't clear, how was I supposed to know that 500 degrees was too high for twenty minutes?" He was no better at it now. "I can make mac and cheese at least?"

"Oh, sorry, she also has common sense, unlike you." Stan laughed. "I actually think you'd get along pretty well with her. She's all arty and good with colors and stuff like you."

Bill bapped Stan gently. "Rude, I have common sense, I..." He couldn't think of any evidence pointing to that. "Artsy, I'm sure we'll get along, Audra can be quite methodical and likes to design so I'm sure you two could get along too."

Stan was quiet for a moment. "We... Bill. We both started dating them cause they reminded us of each other, didn't we?"

Bill really thought about that for a second. "Oh my god, she just seemed nice and made the ache dull a bit... because she reminded me of you..." He felt like a dumbass.

"I think the moral of the story is that we're idiots and we missed each other too much and, on God, will never have to do that again." Stan would be happy to spend his entire life with Bill.

Bill nodded in agreement. "For sure, never again."

Stan sighed softly, feeling right at home with Bill. He was absolutely not planning on moving anytime soon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we are now caught up for the most part to where we are currently at lmao, so updates will be a little slower cause we go back and forth and then i have to copy/paste and format it after


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